I just had this crazy thought.
I am 25 years old. Many of my straight friends have been married five years or so by now. Many others my age have done the dating and relationship thing for perhaps ten years. By repressing my sexuality, have I missed out on something? I know for certain that I am indeed immature and inexperienced when it comes to dating, but do I need to make up for lost time?
I have completed a hell of a lot of education and have had meaningful wok and ministry in my short time as an adult. But, since I've ignored such a huge part of my life for so long, I feel like I need to make up for lost time.
Now here is the crazy thought... Is it ever a good idea for a person to jump in head first into a new thing and experience ALL of it to the fullest? This thing is gay sexuality. Why NOT go through a season of unreserved, full force experiencing and discovering. Is this the kind of thing I would really regret?
I have gotten myself to a point where I am extremely dissatisfied with life. I was happy with things for a long time because there were certain areas of life I never thought about. Now, I've "pulled the plug" and there seems to be no turning back.
I am so ready to live fully and authentically and sometimes it seems the best option would be to shirk all responsibility and "live it up." Perhaps I am impatient. Or, maybe it's just that I have no idea what my next step should be.
However, it is getting very difficult to balance the split life that I have. I feel like I'm being mediocre and getting behind in work and study. Most of my time is spent wallowing in shallow thought and coming up with something to waste time so I can avoid doing anything truly productive.
I don't know what to do. I can't be who I really am and now it has gotten very difficult to be the person I pretend to be.
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Reflections and frustrations on finding my way out the closet door.
1 comment:
Well, "live it up" can mean an awful lot of things.
You are correct that many of us tend to be stunted in relationship building when it comes to the dating experience. However, I quickly realized how much I had learned about building relationships with my best friends from high school and into adulthood. These weren't sexually intimate relationships, but they were real, and sincere, and I'm a better person because of them.
Because I am a prudish man, I'm not too wild about the thought of "living it up" in terms of sexual promiscuity for experience sake, particularly if one is closeted living one life "here," another, "there." That's not a recipe for emotional, or spiritual, health. IMHO, if sexual encounters become the goal, disappointment is sure to follow. In contrast, if relationship that is authentic is the gift, all the rest of the stuff takes care of itself.
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