Another one bites the dust...

Broadway Baptist Church just got voted off the Southern Baptist island. With no argument. Through I think the Southern Baptist Convention is evil and this decision reflects their near consensus of hatred towards gays, from what little I know about the situation, I have little sympathy for this church at this point. They should have pulled the plug on the SBC long before the SBC pulled the plug on them.

http://www.baptiststandard.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=9710&Itemid=53

Oh, the places you'll go.

Attended my first pride parade this weekend. Fabulous times were had by all. More to come later.

We all have a face that we hide away forever...

My heart is heavy tonight. So many questions. At every corner, I find something that makes me less and less content to hide, to lie, to deny the very Spirit within me.

I have been reading Anne Lamott, who everyone who has ever been down on themselves should immediately go and read. In Plan B, in a chapter called "silent meditations" she writes of this inspirational speaker with a disfigured face. She quotes a part of his talk in which he said:

"We with facial deformities are children of the dark," he said. "Our shadow is on the outside. And we can see in the dark: we can see you, we see you turn away, but one day we finally understand that you turn away not from our faces but from your own fears. From those things inside you that you think mark you as someone unlovable to your family, and society, and even to God. All those years, I kept bad stories in the dark, but not anymore. Now I am stepping out into the light. And this face has turned out to be an elaborately disguised gift from God."

This is how I want to feel, not about my face, but about my sexuality--about ME. Right now, I'm only playing into the hatred and fear that are already present within people. We can all be so much more.

Home

I'm spending some time with the parents and getting restless as usual.

I wish they could understand. I wish I could just explain things without hurting them. I wish I didn't have to shatter their expectations for me. I wish we could hope for the same things. It's one thing to just be a little different, but to actually say "Hey, I'm going to run against your deeply held, religiously (mis)informed prejudices" is quite a shocker.

Not that I'm anywhere close to telling them these things. But, so many other things we talk about intersect with my sexuality without them even knowing it. To them, it makes no sense that I world work far away from home. They do not understand why I would distance myself from the denomination in which I grew up. They do not understand why I do not want to come home. I can offer many reasons, but I'm sure they all seem silly since deep inside I know the real reason, and I know they cannot handle such truth just yet (if ever).

So, I am torn. Should I suck it up and try to end up somewhere reasonably close to home? Or, should I suck it up and come out? Either way, it's a huge risk. If I chose to work closer to home, it's possible that I come upon a supportive community, but it's very possible that I'm just miserable and in a religious environment that makes me want to puke. OR--I come out and risk total estrangement from the family.

Since both of these options, I have elected for things to remain simply as they are. I don't know if that's best, but it's all I can muster up at the moment.

I hate being sent on a guilt-trip.
I hate being misunderstood.
I hate lying to people I love.

I think all of this is why vacations at home tend to SUCK. I'm forced to deal with these demons.

Anyway, I'll probably be writing more this week as I have not much else to do. TTFN.