Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I guess everyone has to be blue now and then

I hate it when I have time to think.

Seriously.. I am usually always extremely motivated and energetic and I never have a lack of self-esteem. I feel like I'm here to save the world and I'm invincible!

Then the dust settles...  I come upon those rare times when I'm no longer urgently needed, when there is no one left to lead, when there are no more favors I can do for friends.  Then I feel silly for believing that I have it all and that I can do everything by myself.

I'm at an "in between" spot at the moment. I've come out of a busy summer and am going into a busy fall.  But, there's not so much to do now. I am overwhelmed with what is to come and I have no energy to even think about it. The one thing I long for--a desire that comes only in these in-between moments--is someone whom I can love deeply and freely who will love me back.

These times come at other junctures besides in between seasons.  For instance, after a great performance in which I am involved, or an exciting program is executed perfectly--whatever it is, it happens, and then I go home and realize no one really knows what those experiences mean to me. There is no one with whom I can share the sheer joy of creating and leading. Any good that I can do is sort of trapped in a moment in time and all I can do is come home and hope that it had meaning in someone else's life. 

I want share in the joy of what makes someone else get up in the morning. I someone with whom I can unpack my true motives and concerns. I want someone with whom I can sit with in silence and simply be.

I have given all I can and I need some time for my soul to be filled once again.

I may be able to give a shot at repairing some of the problems of the world, but I can't fix myself.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Planning my first real coming out...

My best friend that is a girl has lately been very intent on knowing more about me.  We've known each other for many years, but she feels as if the relationship has been one-sided and she doesn't know who I really am.  Of course, this involves many questions about many things which include dating, crushes, etc., and the questions are getting more and more probing.  I tend to change the subject or insist that it is not something I want to talk about over the phone. Though I never give say anything obvious about being gay, I'm sure the ambiguity of many of my answers has caused her to wonder. 

So, I told her that I will be more comfortable answering her questions and talking about my own life when I see her in person.  She is in another state, many miles away, and I only see her a few times each year.  However, next week, I will go on vacation and make my way through her part of the world.

I've pretty much decided that she will be the first person in my "real world" to whom I will "come out" and I'm pretty sure, unless someone or something convinces me otherwise, that it will happen next week when I see her.

This is huge for me, because it will be the first time that someone who knows other people I know will know that I am gay. She also knows my parents, which is the most nerve-racking part. Who will she tell? Will she be able to keep it a secret? Will she go ballistic and call my parents?  

I feel like I can trust her and that with her knowing, she can better support what I'm going through the way I have supported her through many issues in her own life. I'm just a little concerned that she could absolutely refuse to accept it and end our friendship or talk to others about me.  

If anyone has any advice on how to make this coming out thing work, I would be very grateful. I would also love to hear your thoughts as to wether or not you think this is a good idea or if it's too risky.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Gays and the females they associate with

Something that seems pretty universal among gay men is a close friendship with one or more girls--a "fag hag" if you will (though I don't think I care for that term).  We all have that special girl with whom we form a deep bond, and that person is often the first person to whom we official reveal our sexuality to.

Well, I also have a "BFF" that is a girl. We've known each other for around 8 years, and even though we are now geographically far apart, we still keep in touch. She is the one I have always felt most comfortable around, and I am that same person for her. We're both quirky and adventurous, and I am grateful that I have had someone that understands me so well... all except for one thing....

For some reason, she recently decides that our past conversations have been too often about her own problems, and she is prying to get to know me better, which means asking lots of really serious, probing questions.  Of course, the issue of romance comes up...

The strange thing is that, even though I've NEVER felt a romantic vibe between me and her,  even though we are very close, she reveals that in the last couple of weeks she had a crush on me. I think she has gotten over that (I may not have given her the most sensitive of responses). But there is one question she keeps asking and I keep refusing to answer. She says that I know all about every crush she has ever had, but she doesn't know anything about my crushes. She wants to know which of her friends (female) I have had crushes on. She also keeps wondering why I never talk to her about "the girls I meet." I always have smart-ass responses, but she keeps prying, and I just might think it's time to tell her why I haven't been talking to her all that much about girls.

BUT... here is the problem. Though she seems to usually have an open mind, she is a member of this this super conservative church, and since going there, she has become very reluctant to question what they teach. I'm pretty sure her opinion of homosexuality is that it's sinful, God wants to fix it, and until it is fixed, one should pray harder, read the Bible more, and not pursue any gay relationships.

BUT... she has never had any close friends come out, especially anyone as close as I am. And, she is a very smart person. She would listen to everything I have to say. She might even be accepting. BUT, then again she might not be so accepting. What if this pushes her away? What if she insists that I seek some kind of quasi-spiritual brainwashing (i.e., ex-gay ministry) or decides she wants to pray that I would be "healed" of this. What if this becomes the only thing our relationship revolves around? What if... the worst thing of all... she, in an effort to move the process along, lets my parents know.

I have come a long way in the past few, short month in dealing with my sexuality, and I want more than anything to come out to a friend. She would be the perfect one to come out to first. She has opened up a conversation that would be the perfect opportunity to discuss this.  And, I might see her within the next month in person, which would be the perfect time. 

Should I do it? Is it too risky? If not her, then WHO?  I feel so strongly that she is the right one to tell, but there is so much that could go terribly wrong!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Just me venting a bit...

I am so sick of:

1) suggestions that my life would instantly be better and less stressful if I went out and "found me a girl"

2) everyone assuming that the only reason I'm single is that I "haven't found the right one yet" and to "just wait..she will come along"

3) questions like "was she hot?" or "did you see her? why don't you go talk to her?"

4) being set up

5) being told that I'm being prayed for that I will be matched up soon.

What if those who pray such things had their prayer answered and it looked much different than they had imagined? Would they still consider that an answer to prayer? What if I say this is who I am, who God created me to be, and I have been led to accept this--would they deny my own spiritual conscience and assert that they somehow know the ways of God better than I do?

What if those who truly care that wish for me to be happy knew who I really was. Would they wish the same things for me?

I wish I did not have this issue looming over me. It was much easier when I suppressed and ignored it. I have some many other things on my mind and this seems to bully around all of the other urgent things that I need to get done. Sometimes I wonder what more I could accomplish if I were a "normal" man who happened to be straight.