Seriously.. I am usually always extremely motivated and energetic and I never have a lack of self-esteem. I feel like I'm here to save the world and I'm invincible!
Then the dust settles... I come upon those rare times when I'm no longer urgently needed, when there is no one left to lead, when there are no more favors I can do for friends. Then I feel silly for believing that I have it all and that I can do everything by myself.
I'm at an "in between" spot at the moment. I've come out of a busy summer and am going into a busy fall. But, there's not so much to do now. I am overwhelmed with what is to come and I have no energy to even think about it. The one thing I long for--a desire that comes only in these in-between moments--is someone whom I can love deeply and freely who will love me back.
These times come at other junctures besides in between seasons. For instance, after a great performance in which I am involved, or an exciting program is executed perfectly--whatever it is, it happens, and then I go home and realize no one really knows what those experiences mean to me. There is no one with whom I can share the sheer joy of creating and leading. Any good that I can do is sort of trapped in a moment in time and all I can do is come home and hope that it had meaning in someone else's life.
I want share in the joy of what makes someone else get up in the morning. I someone with whom I can unpack my true motives and concerns. I want someone with whom I can sit with in silence and simply be.
I have given all I can and I need some time for my soul to be filled once again.
I may be able to give a shot at repairing some of the problems of the world, but I can't fix myself.