Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I guess everyone has to be blue now and then

I hate it when I have time to think.

Seriously.. I am usually always extremely motivated and energetic and I never have a lack of self-esteem. I feel like I'm here to save the world and I'm invincible!

Then the dust settles...  I come upon those rare times when I'm no longer urgently needed, when there is no one left to lead, when there are no more favors I can do for friends.  Then I feel silly for believing that I have it all and that I can do everything by myself.

I'm at an "in between" spot at the moment. I've come out of a busy summer and am going into a busy fall.  But, there's not so much to do now. I am overwhelmed with what is to come and I have no energy to even think about it. The one thing I long for--a desire that comes only in these in-between moments--is someone whom I can love deeply and freely who will love me back.

These times come at other junctures besides in between seasons.  For instance, after a great performance in which I am involved, or an exciting program is executed perfectly--whatever it is, it happens, and then I go home and realize no one really knows what those experiences mean to me. There is no one with whom I can share the sheer joy of creating and leading. Any good that I can do is sort of trapped in a moment in time and all I can do is come home and hope that it had meaning in someone else's life. 

I want share in the joy of what makes someone else get up in the morning. I someone with whom I can unpack my true motives and concerns. I want someone with whom I can sit with in silence and simply be.

I have given all I can and I need some time for my soul to be filled once again.

I may be able to give a shot at repairing some of the problems of the world, but I can't fix myself.

1 comment:

the Reverend boy said...

What you experience is not uncommon, and the longing within each of us to share our lives with each other whether through friendships or loved ones or mates is very real.

I trust the Holy Spirit will fill your soul soon so you may continue to give your gifts to others.