(Note to self: NEVER again watch the Olympics with my family.)
DISCLAIMER: This post is an example of the "pissed off" and angry version of me. There will be some foul language utilized. :-)
I've been unusually blog happy in the past couple of days. I blame it on UTTER BOREDOM. I am home with my family this week, which has resulted in way more downtime than I need, and when I get bored, I start thinking, which is always dangerous.
Anyway, I think I'm figuring out why I don't enjoy coming home and why I have such a hard time communicating with my parents: I am exactly the kind of person they hate!
Now, they don't really know this, because I usually keep silence on most any controversial topic in order to maintain the peace. But I realized that when they make snide, hateful comments about the kinds of people they make snide, hateful comments about, that I happen to be one of those people!
It seems like the conversation ALWAYS turns into how ridiculous are blacks, Africans, Mexicans, Chinese, democrats, liberals and gays. Oh, and let's add to the list 1) anyone who cares about any of the above people or 2) anyone who cares about the poor.
WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL DOES THIS ATTITUDE HAVE TO DO WITH THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST? How in the hell can these supposedly good, god-fearing, red-blooded Americans reconcile hatred with ANYTHING to do with Jesus? It's blasphemy and evil.
They have no idea that I feel this way and I have no idea how to go about telling them that I do. This is not even about the gay thing--this is just generally how I think and live life. The gay thing is SO beyond them that I wouldn't even dare bother. I just would like to see them NOT thinking they are infinitely better and more dignified than everyone else on the planet!
The ethnocentrism and hatred absolutely tear at my soul. I don't believe I have ever felt so hopeless in the condition world. I have never been so frustrated at my parents.
So, basically, this is starting to feel personal. When they make such biting comments about certain types of people, I feel as if they are saying those things about me. When they talk about how silly it is for some "do-gooder" to think she/he can do any good in the world with the disadvantaged, or when they talk about "N****r-lovers", etc. I feel like it is a slap in my own face and it makes me want to stay far away from them.
Not that I am doing some great good in the world, not that I'm really a champion of justice and peace--but, damnit, I hope I can be humble enough to realize that I'm no better than my sisters and brothers. And I pray that my disdain for such attitudes does not turn into my own self-righteousness.
But, what can I do? I hate to be one to just run away from the problem, which is in essence what I'm doing now. I just can't stand to be around it and I surely do not want to plop myself right in the middle of it indefinitely when I choose a full-time job. How can I lovingly encourage them to open their eyes? How can I be a presence of peace and love where there is such hatred and evil pride when I can barely even speak a word?