Disclaimer: I'm a total Debbie Downer in this post. Just need to verbalize the bullshit in my head...
It SUCKS that the friends I am closest to have moved away. It sucks even more that I have not come out to them, and I regret it terribly.
It sucks that so many people my age are married and just waiting for the right job, the right paycheck, the right level of boredom (after they finish just 'living') to have kids and raise a family while, if I ever want to raise a family, which I do, I have to finagle my way through a retarded system, most likely loose family, friends, and even career over it, and after all of that even possibly not succeed, and I may or may not have someone to go through that with, or share the joys of raising children. That all really sucks.
I am in such a funk. I have realized this week that EVERY GOD DAMN MAJOR MOVE from this point will be a painful, difficult struggle. Sucks...
I feel pretty utterly helpless and locked in right now. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning after a night's rest, but in reality not much will be different. I started this blog about a year ago... things were new, fresh, exciting... it was easy to make progress then, because they were such baby steps. Now I have taken all of the baby steps and it's only big boy steps, and I don't wanna take them.
This is enough to drive a maggot crazy.
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Reflections and frustrations on finding my way out the closet door.
About Me
- JX
- 20-something/male/progressive evangelical/seminary student/minister/musician/gay
4 comments:
I don't know that things will change, but you will.
And now with that profound thought, I'm taking the wiener dog out for a walk. Seventy-nine degrees in Seattle is much nicer than 103.
There is no doubt that you have painted yourself into a corner.
The painful decisions your talking about may or may not be as bad as you anticipate.
Most people endure long periods of unhappiness because they refuse to make decisions and commitments that would change their circumstances.
Portia de Rossi (Ellen's wife) when asked if it was a difficult struggle to get married, said, "I faced all of my fears." And I thought - how powerful. Very few people ever have the opportunity, or take the chance, to face their fears. So what is in front of you is definitely a challenge and it can suck... but it will make you stronger than you know. To me, that's an empowering thought!
Love you babe!
How about an update of how your doing. Hope your ok.
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