Wednesday, June 3, 2009

We all have a face that we hide away forever...

My heart is heavy tonight. So many questions. At every corner, I find something that makes me less and less content to hide, to lie, to deny the very Spirit within me.

I have been reading Anne Lamott, who everyone who has ever been down on themselves should immediately go and read. In Plan B, in a chapter called "silent meditations" she writes of this inspirational speaker with a disfigured face. She quotes a part of his talk in which he said:

"We with facial deformities are children of the dark," he said. "Our shadow is on the outside. And we can see in the dark: we can see you, we see you turn away, but one day we finally understand that you turn away not from our faces but from your own fears. From those things inside you that you think mark you as someone unlovable to your family, and society, and even to God. All those years, I kept bad stories in the dark, but not anymore. Now I am stepping out into the light. And this face has turned out to be an elaborately disguised gift from God."

This is how I want to feel, not about my face, but about my sexuality--about ME. Right now, I'm only playing into the hatred and fear that are already present within people. We can all be so much more.

1 comment:

rp said...

I love that quote so much, "an elaborately disguised gift from God," how beautiful is that? And so true. I know when I finally showed my face, people who had known me for years said I was glowing, they thought I was taller, they thought maybe I was a different person even. I was shy my entire adult life, and no more. Showing my "face" changed everything about me, it was like a writer finding his voice or a runner finding his pace. If you have time for some reading, check out C.S. Lewis' novel "Till We Have Faces," a novel I've read several times, about a woman who disguises her face her entire life . . . it makes her safe and powerful, and also very, very alone. It's an amazing story coming from a man who thought a lot about God and his interactions with man. Keep the faith. Keep reading. Keep loving. Whatever change you need to make, you'll figure it out. Nothing good comes easily. :)