I'm spending some time with the parents and getting restless as usual.
I wish they could understand. I wish I could just explain things without hurting them. I wish I didn't have to shatter their expectations for me. I wish we could hope for the same things. It's one thing to just be a little different, but to actually say "Hey, I'm going to run against your deeply held, religiously (mis)informed prejudices" is quite a shocker.
Not that I'm anywhere close to telling them these things. But, so many other things we talk about intersect with my sexuality without them even knowing it. To them, it makes no sense that I world work far away from home. They do not understand why I would distance myself from the denomination in which I grew up. They do not understand why I do not want to come home. I can offer many reasons, but I'm sure they all seem silly since deep inside I know the real reason, and I know they cannot handle such truth just yet (if ever).
So, I am torn. Should I suck it up and try to end up somewhere reasonably close to home? Or, should I suck it up and come out? Either way, it's a huge risk. If I chose to work closer to home, it's possible that I come upon a supportive community, but it's very possible that I'm just miserable and in a religious environment that makes me want to puke. OR--I come out and risk total estrangement from the family.
Since both of these options, I have elected for things to remain simply as they are. I don't know if that's best, but it's all I can muster up at the moment.
I hate being sent on a guilt-trip.
I hate being misunderstood.
I hate lying to people I love.
I think all of this is why vacations at home tend to SUCK. I'm forced to deal with these demons.
Anyway, I'll probably be writing more this week as I have not much else to do. TTFN.