Tuesday, October 21, 2008


(Rambling ahead)

I can be such a tool. I'm a tool to the system I'm in, to the people I'm acquainted with, and I'm a tool the very facades I build around myself.  When have I ever really been myself??  ..and I'm not just talking about sexuality. In an effort to avoid sexuality, I've altogether avoided life. Not that I don't think my work counts as life, but here lately I'm been realizing inept I am at networking. I keep very loose ties with folks in the past with whom I was associated. People who could be very important in my life, I keep at arms distance and never really take advantage of those relationships.

I have a few friends who, around me, always seem (for some reason) to be comfortable talking about who they think is gay, and what these people are doing and the crowds they're doing it with. All I can think of is, the closets of these people we're talking about have to be just as deep as mine, so how are they supposedly finding a "crowd"--even if it's still in secret? If it weren't for blogs, I would assume I'm the only homo on the planet!!

It's not like I'm a total loner. I have friends. I like them, and they seem to like me. But the people I spend the most time around, I'm afraid their friendship is played out in front of the background of the very facades I mentioned. 

I feel like I need to just "let loose"... To be free from obligations for a short season... To feel what it's like to live in the moment and explore mere humanity.

Maybe some day that will happen. Or, perhaps I will always be a slave to my work. Most days, this work is very fulfilling, but some days, like today, I just wonder if it really is a flimsy, thin facade.


gay, christian and scared shitless said...

come to the uk and run away for a bit :-D

renzmqt said...

LOL! I was gonna say come to the U.P. and unwind - where no one knows you. But now that I think of it, perhaps moving is not such a bad idea. Perhaps you need to "throw a dart" on a map and take the leap. Choose a place where you could be more open and then BE more open. There's a lot to be said for the freedom of redefining yourself. When I was a sophmore in highschool - many years ago, long before you were born - we moved to Michigan and I got to recreate who I was. It was awesome. In the mean time, cut yourself some slack.