Sunday, March 15, 2009

My 12 year old emotions...

(rambling ahead)

uh oh. I don't know if I can stand this. I was doing just fine with my repressed emotions. lol. I had to go and look around and now I've ended up falling for someone with whom I have not even had a substantial conversation. I freak out every time I get a text message. Then I freak out as I wonder if I replied the wrong way.. if I coming off as stalkerish, boring, pretentious, needy, etc. I mean, it's probably someone that I would NEVER work well with as far as a relationship is concerned... we're so very different. But they're there.. and they're so pretty... and I can't freaking concentrate.

I really need to be able to concentrate at this very precise juncture in my life. There will be plenty of time for letting my thoughts run wild. But right now, I can't seem to stop it! I've opened up something that I can't seem to close. I know... it's all silly.. but I just can't shake it off.

Damn! Wouldn't I have been better off just staying retreated in my hole somewhere?

This boy is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing that I think about as I fall to sleep.. which I have a hard time doing as I think about him.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't get like this. Ever!!! I'm in control, I've got my shit together... except when it's not, when is right now!

There's a reason most people have these kinds of experiences when they're teenagers and still stupid enough to not realize it's wrecking their life! LOL


Anonymous said...

Kind of surprised that a seminary student would say that, "there is plenty of time ..." You of all people should know that there is not plenty of time, and anything can happen. No one is a promised tomorrow, and if you live long enough you will wonder where your youth went sooner than you think.

Your feelings are normal and necessary for development, could even be said necessary for spiritual development.

If you have the opportunity, share some intimate moments with this person, ENJOY IT, do something outside of your comfort zone, ENJOY IT.

You gotta find a way to enjoy your journey, because the destinations are usually bitter sweet.

I wish you the best.

JX said...

Don't know who you are, but thank you for a very honest response. I think you're right in saying I'll wonder where my youth went-- I'm not all that old now, but I still look back at missed opportunities and lonely times and wonder how things might be different.

So, I'm going to try to take advantage of these sorts of opportunities and, yes, enjoy them.. not just in the moment but when I come home and it hits me what is happening.

Thanks for responding.