Disclaimer: I'm a total Debbie Downer in this post. Just need to verbalize the bullshit in my head...
It SUCKS that the friends I am closest to have moved away. It sucks even more that I have not come out to them, and I regret it terribly.
It sucks that so many people my age are married and just waiting for the right job, the right paycheck, the right level of boredom (after they finish just 'living') to have kids and raise a family while, if I ever want to raise a family, which I do, I have to finagle my way through a retarded system, most likely loose family, friends, and even career over it, and after all of that even possibly not succeed, and I may or may not have someone to go through that with, or share the joys of raising children. That all really sucks.
I am in such a funk. I have realized this week that EVERY GOD DAMN MAJOR MOVE from this point will be a painful, difficult struggle. Sucks...
I feel pretty utterly helpless and locked in right now. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning after a night's rest, but in reality not much will be different. I started this blog about a year ago... things were new, fresh, exciting... it was easy to make progress then, because they were such baby steps. Now I have taken all of the baby steps and it's only big boy steps, and I don't wanna take them.
This is enough to drive a maggot crazy.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Another one bites the dust...
Broadway Baptist Church just got voted off the Southern Baptist island. With no argument. Through I think the Southern Baptist Convention is evil and this decision reflects their near consensus of hatred towards gays, from what little I know about the situation, I have little sympathy for this church at this point. They should have pulled the plug on the SBC long before the SBC pulled the plug on them.
http://www.baptiststandard.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=9710&Itemid=53
http://www.baptiststandard.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=9710&Itemid=53
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Oh, the places you'll go.
Attended my first pride parade this weekend. Fabulous times were had by all. More to come later.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
We all have a face that we hide away forever...
My heart is heavy tonight. So many questions. At every corner, I find something that makes me less and less content to hide, to lie, to deny the very Spirit within me.
I have been reading Anne Lamott, who everyone who has ever been down on themselves should immediately go and read. In Plan B, in a chapter called "silent meditations" she writes of this inspirational speaker with a disfigured face. She quotes a part of his talk in which he said:
This is how I want to feel, not about my face, but about my sexuality--about ME. Right now, I'm only playing into the hatred and fear that are already present within people. We can all be so much more.
I have been reading Anne Lamott, who everyone who has ever been down on themselves should immediately go and read. In Plan B, in a chapter called "silent meditations" she writes of this inspirational speaker with a disfigured face. She quotes a part of his talk in which he said:
"We with facial deformities are children of the dark," he said. "Our shadow is on the outside. And we can see in the dark: we can see you, we see you turn away, but one day we finally understand that you turn away not from our faces but from your own fears. From those things inside you that you think mark you as someone unlovable to your family, and society, and even to God. All those years, I kept bad stories in the dark, but not anymore. Now I am stepping out into the light. And this face has turned out to be an elaborately disguised gift from God."
This is how I want to feel, not about my face, but about my sexuality--about ME. Right now, I'm only playing into the hatred and fear that are already present within people. We can all be so much more.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Home
I'm spending some time with the parents and getting restless as usual.
I wish they could understand. I wish I could just explain things without hurting them. I wish I didn't have to shatter their expectations for me. I wish we could hope for the same things. It's one thing to just be a little different, but to actually say "Hey, I'm going to run against your deeply held, religiously (mis)informed prejudices" is quite a shocker.
Not that I'm anywhere close to telling them these things. But, so many other things we talk about intersect with my sexuality without them even knowing it. To them, it makes no sense that I world work far away from home. They do not understand why I would distance myself from the denomination in which I grew up. They do not understand why I do not want to come home. I can offer many reasons, but I'm sure they all seem silly since deep inside I know the real reason, and I know they cannot handle such truth just yet (if ever).
So, I am torn. Should I suck it up and try to end up somewhere reasonably close to home? Or, should I suck it up and come out? Either way, it's a huge risk. If I chose to work closer to home, it's possible that I come upon a supportive community, but it's very possible that I'm just miserable and in a religious environment that makes me want to puke. OR--I come out and risk total estrangement from the family.
Since both of these options, I have elected for things to remain simply as they are. I don't know if that's best, but it's all I can muster up at the moment.
I hate being sent on a guilt-trip.
I hate being misunderstood.
I hate lying to people I love.
I think all of this is why vacations at home tend to SUCK. I'm forced to deal with these demons.
Anyway, I'll probably be writing more this week as I have not much else to do. TTFN.
I wish they could understand. I wish I could just explain things without hurting them. I wish I didn't have to shatter their expectations for me. I wish we could hope for the same things. It's one thing to just be a little different, but to actually say "Hey, I'm going to run against your deeply held, religiously (mis)informed prejudices" is quite a shocker.
Not that I'm anywhere close to telling them these things. But, so many other things we talk about intersect with my sexuality without them even knowing it. To them, it makes no sense that I world work far away from home. They do not understand why I would distance myself from the denomination in which I grew up. They do not understand why I do not want to come home. I can offer many reasons, but I'm sure they all seem silly since deep inside I know the real reason, and I know they cannot handle such truth just yet (if ever).
So, I am torn. Should I suck it up and try to end up somewhere reasonably close to home? Or, should I suck it up and come out? Either way, it's a huge risk. If I chose to work closer to home, it's possible that I come upon a supportive community, but it's very possible that I'm just miserable and in a religious environment that makes me want to puke. OR--I come out and risk total estrangement from the family.
Since both of these options, I have elected for things to remain simply as they are. I don't know if that's best, but it's all I can muster up at the moment.
I hate being sent on a guilt-trip.
I hate being misunderstood.
I hate lying to people I love.
I think all of this is why vacations at home tend to SUCK. I'm forced to deal with these demons.
Anyway, I'll probably be writing more this week as I have not much else to do. TTFN.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Is it too much to ask for?
This is a work in progress which I will be fleshing out more soon--maybe.
So I'm talking with my good friend who is a girl from back home, and she's in one of her sort of discontent, restless moods and she has to say, "I just want a relationship! Is that too much to ask for?"
Unfortunately, the conversation got changed very quickly, but if I could have responded, I would have said:
Well, honey, actually, according to some, for me, yes, it IS too much to ask for a relationship! There are plenty of arrogant bastards who would say to me that I am called to celibacy because of my homosexuality! My friends, this statement comes entirely out of our cultural captivity and it has NOTHING to do with the Bible or spirituality!
Where does scripture say that homosexuality equals celibacy? Yes, it says some are called to celibacy. No, it does not say that all who are homosexual are called to that! So, perhaps there are homosexuals called to celibacy just as there are heterosexuals called to celibacy.
I see no spiritual grounds to equate homosexuality with celibacy! If there are, I would gladly hear them.
Actually, as I have posted about more extensively before, the Apostle Paul calls everyone to celibacy. Obviously, every Christian did not heed that, so it must be assumed that the vast majority of believers who are in committed relationships are validated in their doing so. So, perhaps it is presumptuous for us to suggest that the few verses on homosexuality mean that we are to be single forever, when the "standard" Paul sets for straights seems to be glossed over and spiritualized.
When are Christians going to wake up and realize that their biases have everything to do with a culture that has told them to reject us and nothing to do with scripture or spiritual insight. When are Christians going to realize that what we are dealing with here is not the abusive, bizarre, negative sorts of relationships with which the few verses that seem to mention homosexuality are about.
I think it's time to say that what we think scripture says about homosexuality quite honestly is absolutely useless and to be ignored as far as determining what is right for individuals who love each other and who are forbidden their full expression in the context of the society or church. There are plenty of scriptures to consider when talking about how to treat loving relationships. Perhaps the scriptures about homosexuality would be more appropriate in preaching against abuse--even that of straight men towards their wives. Perhaps the kinds of things scripture mentions that we think are about homosexuality are really about the people who refuse to live honestly and hurt the women they marry because of the gay relationships they are a part of behind the wife's back. Perhaps it is an abomination to forbid another person from loving in a way that is natural and most beneficial for society--which really is the main thrust of Levitcal law, from what I understand!
Let's not ignore these clinchers verses. Let's get to the root of what they mean for us today and let's proclaim it! It's time for us to define ourselves and not those preaching against us, and it's time for us to be the prophetic voice towards those who hate and harm.
So I'm talking with my good friend who is a girl from back home, and she's in one of her sort of discontent, restless moods and she has to say, "I just want a relationship! Is that too much to ask for?"
Unfortunately, the conversation got changed very quickly, but if I could have responded, I would have said:
Well, honey, actually, according to some, for me, yes, it IS too much to ask for a relationship! There are plenty of arrogant bastards who would say to me that I am called to celibacy because of my homosexuality! My friends, this statement comes entirely out of our cultural captivity and it has NOTHING to do with the Bible or spirituality!
Where does scripture say that homosexuality equals celibacy? Yes, it says some are called to celibacy. No, it does not say that all who are homosexual are called to that! So, perhaps there are homosexuals called to celibacy just as there are heterosexuals called to celibacy.
I see no spiritual grounds to equate homosexuality with celibacy! If there are, I would gladly hear them.
Actually, as I have posted about more extensively before, the Apostle Paul calls everyone to celibacy. Obviously, every Christian did not heed that, so it must be assumed that the vast majority of believers who are in committed relationships are validated in their doing so. So, perhaps it is presumptuous for us to suggest that the few verses on homosexuality mean that we are to be single forever, when the "standard" Paul sets for straights seems to be glossed over and spiritualized.
When are Christians going to wake up and realize that their biases have everything to do with a culture that has told them to reject us and nothing to do with scripture or spiritual insight. When are Christians going to realize that what we are dealing with here is not the abusive, bizarre, negative sorts of relationships with which the few verses that seem to mention homosexuality are about.
I think it's time to say that what we think scripture says about homosexuality quite honestly is absolutely useless and to be ignored as far as determining what is right for individuals who love each other and who are forbidden their full expression in the context of the society or church. There are plenty of scriptures to consider when talking about how to treat loving relationships. Perhaps the scriptures about homosexuality would be more appropriate in preaching against abuse--even that of straight men towards their wives. Perhaps the kinds of things scripture mentions that we think are about homosexuality are really about the people who refuse to live honestly and hurt the women they marry because of the gay relationships they are a part of behind the wife's back. Perhaps it is an abomination to forbid another person from loving in a way that is natural and most beneficial for society--which really is the main thrust of Levitcal law, from what I understand!
Let's not ignore these clinchers verses. Let's get to the root of what they mean for us today and let's proclaim it! It's time for us to define ourselves and not those preaching against us, and it's time for us to be the prophetic voice towards those who hate and harm.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
A New Chapter
Greetings to the few people who stumble across this blog!
A review...
I have not been posting very much lately. If this is your first time to this blog, or if you've been here before, and you want quick run-down of what's happened here so far without reading all of the past posts, here's a quick timeline. I would highly recommend the timeline over actually reading the posts! :-)
June 2008:
- I "came out to myself" and realize that I should not be content to live in the closet forever. Up to this point I had come to grips with the facts that I did not cause my homosexuality, that I cannot change it, and even that it is sinful. However, I still was choosing to not acknowledge publicly that part of my life, choosing instead to focus completely on my work and to live life as a single man. Well, I realized that this would do nothing to help all of those who struggle with similar things, nor would this be an honest way to live. I chose to begin living as the person God uniquely created, for better or for worse, but either way, honestly and at peace.
- First step was a visit to a gay bar while in a far-away city for a seminar. Had a great time exploring the "Gayborhood" and having a great discussion with a bar tender. (Slow night, sweet guy.)
- Next step was to visit a few bars in a city a little closer to where I live--about a two hour drive away. Just looking and observing. Met a guy and got to flirt a little. Lost contact eventually.
- Then I started this blog and began to contact others with similar blogs.
July 2008
- Met someone online and went out to dinner with them. Don't know if you would call it a date. Went hiking later on. A good experience to have, but haven't really remained in contact.
- Had a extremely stressful month and nearly got to my wits end in dealing with my sexuality while maintaining an intense level of activity at work.
August 2008
- Big news: came out to my best girl friend from back home. We are very close, so I knew I could trust her. Turns out, she thought we would get married some day. Had to break her heart. :-( BUT... she did accept me, though she remains entrenched in conservative church and does not as of yet affirm homosexuality as a valid option. We remain in close contact.
- Visited the parents while at home and became very frustrated with the deck of cards I had been dealt. Became very concerned about how the future may pan out.
September 2008
- Ray Boltz comes out of the closet.
- I discover Rachel Maddow! :-)
- I get deep into schoolwork at my seminary and because increasingly frustrated with "moderate" Christians and their lack of courage on the issue of homosexuality.
November 2008
- I attend a retreat for gays of my denomination in a nearby city. Met some wonderful people at a wonderful church. This experience helped me begin to finally form a support group, and I gained a very special friend and mentor who has helped, and continues to help, me to stay sane and to discover many exciting new life experiences. :-)
December 2008
- While at home during Christmas, I get set up on a date with a girl. I was disgusted by my forced phoniness and angry at the increasing pressure for me to get married.
January-May 2009
- Not much happened during this time, except I completed my degree programs and chose to take an offer to remain at work with the community for which I presently serve.
So, now I am in a new stage of life. Let me re-introduce myself.
- I am a twenty-something, "professional" minister. (As in, they pay me to do this.)
- I work in the south, in a rural community, at a church that is of an evangelical, moderate-to-conservative denomination with only a sprinkling of liberals.
- I am in the closet to most everyone in my day-to-day life.
- I have a few very close friends and I want to come out to them very soon.
- I have supportive friends in a nearby city to which I visit occasionally for outside-of-the-closet fun.
- I don't know if I will ever come out to my parents.
- I long for a dating relationship, but I realize that it would probably suck for the other person because of my situation.
- I would like to lovingly guide my pastor and church family to acceptance of gays.
- I'm not sure how I'm going to do the last thing I mentioned.
That's all I can think of at the moment. I will be posting more, now that I am out of school. I learn something every day about all of this, and I hope that all of us out here on the blogosophere can be of help to each other as we try to shatter down the closet door once and for all, and end the ignorance, misunderstanding, bigotry, and hatred that the church has concerning those in every congregation who are gay or lesbian.
Will you come along beside me? Will you lead me? Will you let me lift you up?
May God bless you with eyes for your heart that are enlightened to see a world at peace and every human soul made whole.
A review...
I have not been posting very much lately. If this is your first time to this blog, or if you've been here before, and you want quick run-down of what's happened here so far without reading all of the past posts, here's a quick timeline. I would highly recommend the timeline over actually reading the posts! :-)
June 2008:
- I "came out to myself" and realize that I should not be content to live in the closet forever. Up to this point I had come to grips with the facts that I did not cause my homosexuality, that I cannot change it, and even that it is sinful. However, I still was choosing to not acknowledge publicly that part of my life, choosing instead to focus completely on my work and to live life as a single man. Well, I realized that this would do nothing to help all of those who struggle with similar things, nor would this be an honest way to live. I chose to begin living as the person God uniquely created, for better or for worse, but either way, honestly and at peace.
- First step was a visit to a gay bar while in a far-away city for a seminar. Had a great time exploring the "Gayborhood" and having a great discussion with a bar tender. (Slow night, sweet guy.)
- Next step was to visit a few bars in a city a little closer to where I live--about a two hour drive away. Just looking and observing. Met a guy and got to flirt a little. Lost contact eventually.
- Then I started this blog and began to contact others with similar blogs.
July 2008
- Met someone online and went out to dinner with them. Don't know if you would call it a date. Went hiking later on. A good experience to have, but haven't really remained in contact.
- Had a extremely stressful month and nearly got to my wits end in dealing with my sexuality while maintaining an intense level of activity at work.
August 2008
- Big news: came out to my best girl friend from back home. We are very close, so I knew I could trust her. Turns out, she thought we would get married some day. Had to break her heart. :-( BUT... she did accept me, though she remains entrenched in conservative church and does not as of yet affirm homosexuality as a valid option. We remain in close contact.
- Visited the parents while at home and became very frustrated with the deck of cards I had been dealt. Became very concerned about how the future may pan out.
September 2008
- Ray Boltz comes out of the closet.
- I discover Rachel Maddow! :-)
- I get deep into schoolwork at my seminary and because increasingly frustrated with "moderate" Christians and their lack of courage on the issue of homosexuality.
November 2008
- I attend a retreat for gays of my denomination in a nearby city. Met some wonderful people at a wonderful church. This experience helped me begin to finally form a support group, and I gained a very special friend and mentor who has helped, and continues to help, me to stay sane and to discover many exciting new life experiences. :-)
December 2008
- While at home during Christmas, I get set up on a date with a girl. I was disgusted by my forced phoniness and angry at the increasing pressure for me to get married.
January-May 2009
- Not much happened during this time, except I completed my degree programs and chose to take an offer to remain at work with the community for which I presently serve.
So, now I am in a new stage of life. Let me re-introduce myself.
- I am a twenty-something, "professional" minister. (As in, they pay me to do this.)
- I work in the south, in a rural community, at a church that is of an evangelical, moderate-to-conservative denomination with only a sprinkling of liberals.
- I am in the closet to most everyone in my day-to-day life.
- I have a few very close friends and I want to come out to them very soon.
- I have supportive friends in a nearby city to which I visit occasionally for outside-of-the-closet fun.
- I don't know if I will ever come out to my parents.
- I long for a dating relationship, but I realize that it would probably suck for the other person because of my situation.
- I would like to lovingly guide my pastor and church family to acceptance of gays.
- I'm not sure how I'm going to do the last thing I mentioned.
That's all I can think of at the moment. I will be posting more, now that I am out of school. I learn something every day about all of this, and I hope that all of us out here on the blogosophere can be of help to each other as we try to shatter down the closet door once and for all, and end the ignorance, misunderstanding, bigotry, and hatred that the church has concerning those in every congregation who are gay or lesbian.
Will you come along beside me? Will you lead me? Will you let me lift you up?
May God bless you with eyes for your heart that are enlightened to see a world at peace and every human soul made whole.
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