Coming out #1

Ok, so here's the recap. If you don't want to read the whole big honkin' thing, the short story is: I told her, we're still friends. :-)

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Coming home requires quite a long drive, so I had lots of time to get extremely anxious and nervous about what I would say yo my friend. I pretty much decided I would get it over with as soon as possible so I wouldn't have to stress for the rest of the evening. So I knock on the door, and she greets me in this really insane way that is very typical of most of our interactions. After all of that, I go in and sit down, and she has her purse on and is super hungry and ready to go eat. So, we had to go immediately and I wasn't going to be able to tell her just yet.

So, as we were driving to the restaurant, there were so many strange comments like "Wow it feels to weird to see you in person" (it has been a few months since we've seen each other) or even "yeah, what's up with your hair? It looks kind of GAY!"(LOL!) or "GAAAH, why are you walking so fast?!" (I was nervous as hell), etc. Anyway, it felt like she knew something weird was up and I was having a hard time just playing it cool.

Anyway, so we sit down at the restaurant (where the service was exceptionally crappy) and I decide I'll wait til we get dessert and then I'd tell her. (I didn't want to ruin the meal, so I figured eating something comfortable like key lime pie would be a good thing to do during the coming out moment!) Well, in a nearly empty restaurant, they sit a bunch of people right beside us! It sucked big time, I knew this wouldn't work, and I was getting very frustrated.

So, we leave the restaurant without even getting dessert. As soon as we get in the car she starts with these sort of probing questions that she has been asking lately. I took a deep breath and said, "Go ahead, hit me. I'm ready." So, the very first question was "so if you don't talk to ME about your sexual feelings, then who DO you talk to them about?" She asks this because I typically refuse to talk about anything to do with dating or crushes I have had, etc. I knew this kind of question would come up. So, I tell her that I'm about to tell her something that will answer many of her questions all at once, and it's something that is confidential and very personal and I will need her support in this, etc.

So, I'm navigating rush-hour traffic, and I drop the bomb. Obviously, this was a big deal so I was rather nervous and shaky and she was like "Are you sure you should be driving now?" LOL (Probably not but I continued.) I issued a few more details why I was coming out and briefly outlined by journey. We became silent for a while.

Then, she kind of broke down and threw a screaming, cussing fit. I was like, "Are you ok?" and she goes "Yes, I am SOOO FUCKING PEACHY RIGHT NOW!" (HA! I couldn't help but laugh at her choice of words.) She continued, "I know this is supposed to be about you right now, but my life SUCKS" and basically said that she was hoping that I would eventually come around to falling in love with her and that we would get married and live happily ever after, etc. I knew she has felt this way before, but I had no idea that she was not over it. I was like, "Oh, shit. I was afraid this would happen!" So we kind of mourn together for a bit, and I even suggest that I go with her to see her therapist--almost like couples counseling but not at all! LOL (I ended up leaving before her appointment, however.)

So after she had a good cry and my nerves kind of calmed down, things starting to become alright and somewhat normal again. We went to see a movie to kind of take our mind off the pain for a few moments.

When we got back to her place, she decided that she can now comfortably get my opinion on wether or not her swim suit shows too much cleavage, which was a bit awkward, but at least she is getting used to the real me. :-) Then, she suggested that we sleep together in her bed isntead of me using the air mattress or couch! I was like, "um, no" and she's like "what's the big deal??" That was pretty insane, anyway, I told her I was not quite ready for that so I demanded the couch. lol So that was my very strange evening.

So this whole revelation about me was a total suprise to her. I am very glad I choose to tell her now and not years later when she was still seriously wanting to marry me. I am also grateful that I have a friend like that, who can know such an intimate detail of my life and support me. She's not totally cool with the idea of me dating or having gay relationships, but that is based on loose Biblical interpretations, and I think once she has some time to think it over, and after I share a few resources with her, she will come around on that.

Anyway, I feel very relieved that someone from my "real world" knows. It's not that everything is perfect now--there will still be awkward moments between me and her, and I still have no idea what my next step it. But, *someone* knows and I don't have to keep any new experiences or questions I have to myself.

This is a long post, and a very scatterbrained account. If you made it this far, thanks for reading and, as always, I love to hear the experiences of others.

Peace!

Tomorrow... !

So tomorrow (Monday) I am going to come out to someone from my "real life." It's my good friend from back home who happens to be a girl--who I have written about in past postings.

I have been planning to do this for a while, but, in the past couple of weeks, I have debated whether or not it was really the right time. Well, tonight, in our phone conversation, while we were talking about whether or not her swim suit showed too much cleavage, she tells me that I'm her "non-gay, gay friend" meaning, she's comfortable with me, which she thought was so strange because I'm "not gay."

Well, tomorrow she will be able to take out the "non" part of how she describes me, and I believe this is indeed the perfect time because she already has me pegged. I no longer have to worry about uprooting any unspoken desires she might have that we should be together. She already has the appropriate take on our relationship, so I might as well finally be honest to her.

So, here... we... go...

I'm stuck

I just had this crazy thought.

I am 25 years old. Many of my straight friends have been married five years or so by now. Many others my age have done the dating and relationship thing for perhaps ten years. By repressing my sexuality, have I missed out on something? I know for certain that I am indeed immature and inexperienced when it comes to dating, but do I need to make up for lost time?

I have completed a hell of a lot of education and have had meaningful wok and ministry in my short time as an adult. But, since I've ignored such a huge part of my life for so long, I feel like I need to make up for lost time.

Now here is the crazy thought... Is it ever a good idea for a person to jump in head first into a new thing and experience ALL of it to the fullest? This thing is gay sexuality. Why NOT go through a season of unreserved, full force experiencing and discovering. Is this the kind of thing I would really regret?

I have gotten myself to a point where I am extremely dissatisfied with life. I was happy with things for a long time because there were certain areas of life I never thought about. Now, I've "pulled the plug" and there seems to be no turning back.

I am so ready to live fully and authentically and sometimes it seems the best option would be to shirk all responsibility and "live it up." Perhaps I am impatient. Or, maybe it's just that I have no idea what my next step should be.

However, it is getting very difficult to balance the split life that I have. I feel like I'm being mediocre and getting behind in work and study. Most of my time is spent wallowing in shallow thought and coming up with something to waste time so I can avoid doing anything truly productive.

I don't know what to do. I can't be who I really am and now it has gotten very difficult to be the person I pretend to be.

I guess everyone has to be blue now and then

I hate it when I have time to think.

Seriously.. I am usually always extremely motivated and energetic and I never have a lack of self-esteem. I feel like I'm here to save the world and I'm invincible!

Then the dust settles...  I come upon those rare times when I'm no longer urgently needed, when there is no one left to lead, when there are no more favors I can do for friends.  Then I feel silly for believing that I have it all and that I can do everything by myself.

I'm at an "in between" spot at the moment. I've come out of a busy summer and am going into a busy fall.  But, there's not so much to do now. I am overwhelmed with what is to come and I have no energy to even think about it. The one thing I long for--a desire that comes only in these in-between moments--is someone whom I can love deeply and freely who will love me back.

These times come at other junctures besides in between seasons.  For instance, after a great performance in which I am involved, or an exciting program is executed perfectly--whatever it is, it happens, and then I go home and realize no one really knows what those experiences mean to me. There is no one with whom I can share the sheer joy of creating and leading. Any good that I can do is sort of trapped in a moment in time and all I can do is come home and hope that it had meaning in someone else's life. 

I want share in the joy of what makes someone else get up in the morning. I someone with whom I can unpack my true motives and concerns. I want someone with whom I can sit with in silence and simply be.

I have given all I can and I need some time for my soul to be filled once again.

I may be able to give a shot at repairing some of the problems of the world, but I can't fix myself.

Planning my first real coming out...

My best friend that is a girl has lately been very intent on knowing more about me.  We've known each other for many years, but she feels as if the relationship has been one-sided and she doesn't know who I really am.  Of course, this involves many questions about many things which include dating, crushes, etc., and the questions are getting more and more probing.  I tend to change the subject or insist that it is not something I want to talk about over the phone. Though I never give say anything obvious about being gay, I'm sure the ambiguity of many of my answers has caused her to wonder. 

So, I told her that I will be more comfortable answering her questions and talking about my own life when I see her in person.  She is in another state, many miles away, and I only see her a few times each year.  However, next week, I will go on vacation and make my way through her part of the world.

I've pretty much decided that she will be the first person in my "real world" to whom I will "come out" and I'm pretty sure, unless someone or something convinces me otherwise, that it will happen next week when I see her.

This is huge for me, because it will be the first time that someone who knows other people I know will know that I am gay. She also knows my parents, which is the most nerve-racking part. Who will she tell? Will she be able to keep it a secret? Will she go ballistic and call my parents?  

I feel like I can trust her and that with her knowing, she can better support what I'm going through the way I have supported her through many issues in her own life. I'm just a little concerned that she could absolutely refuse to accept it and end our friendship or talk to others about me.  

If anyone has any advice on how to make this coming out thing work, I would be very grateful. I would also love to hear your thoughts as to wether or not you think this is a good idea or if it's too risky.

Gays and the females they associate with

Something that seems pretty universal among gay men is a close friendship with one or more girls--a "fag hag" if you will (though I don't think I care for that term).  We all have that special girl with whom we form a deep bond, and that person is often the first person to whom we official reveal our sexuality to.

Well, I also have a "BFF" that is a girl. We've known each other for around 8 years, and even though we are now geographically far apart, we still keep in touch. She is the one I have always felt most comfortable around, and I am that same person for her. We're both quirky and adventurous, and I am grateful that I have had someone that understands me so well... all except for one thing....

For some reason, she recently decides that our past conversations have been too often about her own problems, and she is prying to get to know me better, which means asking lots of really serious, probing questions.  Of course, the issue of romance comes up...

The strange thing is that, even though I've NEVER felt a romantic vibe between me and her,  even though we are very close, she reveals that in the last couple of weeks she had a crush on me. I think she has gotten over that (I may not have given her the most sensitive of responses). But there is one question she keeps asking and I keep refusing to answer. She says that I know all about every crush she has ever had, but she doesn't know anything about my crushes. She wants to know which of her friends (female) I have had crushes on. She also keeps wondering why I never talk to her about "the girls I meet." I always have smart-ass responses, but she keeps prying, and I just might think it's time to tell her why I haven't been talking to her all that much about girls.

BUT... here is the problem. Though she seems to usually have an open mind, she is a member of this this super conservative church, and since going there, she has become very reluctant to question what they teach. I'm pretty sure her opinion of homosexuality is that it's sinful, God wants to fix it, and until it is fixed, one should pray harder, read the Bible more, and not pursue any gay relationships.

BUT... she has never had any close friends come out, especially anyone as close as I am. And, she is a very smart person. She would listen to everything I have to say. She might even be accepting. BUT, then again she might not be so accepting. What if this pushes her away? What if she insists that I seek some kind of quasi-spiritual brainwashing (i.e., ex-gay ministry) or decides she wants to pray that I would be "healed" of this. What if this becomes the only thing our relationship revolves around? What if... the worst thing of all... she, in an effort to move the process along, lets my parents know.

I have come a long way in the past few, short month in dealing with my sexuality, and I want more than anything to come out to a friend. She would be the perfect one to come out to first. She has opened up a conversation that would be the perfect opportunity to discuss this.  And, I might see her within the next month in person, which would be the perfect time. 

Should I do it? Is it too risky? If not her, then WHO?  I feel so strongly that she is the right one to tell, but there is so much that could go terribly wrong!

Just me venting a bit...

I am so sick of:

1) suggestions that my life would instantly be better and less stressful if I went out and "found me a girl"

2) everyone assuming that the only reason I'm single is that I "haven't found the right one yet" and to "just wait..she will come along"

3) questions like "was she hot?" or "did you see her? why don't you go talk to her?"

4) being set up

5) being told that I'm being prayed for that I will be matched up soon.

What if those who pray such things had their prayer answered and it looked much different than they had imagined? Would they still consider that an answer to prayer? What if I say this is who I am, who God created me to be, and I have been led to accept this--would they deny my own spiritual conscience and assert that they somehow know the ways of God better than I do?

What if those who truly care that wish for me to be happy knew who I really was. Would they wish the same things for me?

I wish I did not have this issue looming over me. It was much easier when I suppressed and ignored it. I have some many other things on my mind and this seems to bully around all of the other urgent things that I need to get done. Sometimes I wonder what more I could accomplish if I were a "normal" man who happened to be straight.