my thorn in the flesh

bitchy post

2009-07-31T21:17:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I'm a total Debbie Downer in this post. Just need to verbalize the bullshit in my head...

It SUCKS that the friends I am closest to have moved away. It sucks even more that I have not come out to them, and I regret it terribly.

It sucks that so many people my age are married and just waiting for the right job, the right paycheck, the right level of boredom (after they finish just 'living') to have kids and raise a family while, if I ever want to raise a family, which I do, I have to finagle my way through a retarded system, most likely loose family, friends, and even career over it, and after all of that even possibly not succeed, and I may or may not have someone to go through that with, or share the joys of raising children. That all really sucks.

I am in such a funk. I have realized this week that EVERY GOD DAMN MAJOR MOVE from this point will be a painful, difficult struggle. Sucks...

I feel pretty utterly helpless and locked in right now. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning after a night's rest, but in reality not much will be different. I started this blog about a year ago... things were new, fresh, exciting... it was easy to make progress then, because they were such baby steps. Now I have taken all of the baby steps and it's only big boy steps, and I don't wanna take them.

This is enough to drive a maggot crazy.

Another one bites the dust...

2009-06-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

Broadway Baptist Church just got voted off the Southern Baptist island. With no argument. Through I think the Southern Baptist Convention is evil and this decision reflects their near consensus of hatred towards gays, from what little I know about the situation, I have little sympathy for this church at this point. They should have pulled the plug on the SBC long before the SBC pulled the plug on them.

http://www.baptiststandard.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=9710&Itemid=53

Oh, the places you'll go.

2009-06-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

Attended my first pride parade this weekend. Fabulous times were had by all. More to come later.

We all have a face that we hide away forever...

2009-06-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy tonight. So many questions. At every corner, I find something that makes me less and less content to hide, to lie, to deny the very Spirit within me.

I have been reading Anne Lamott, who everyone who has ever been down on themselves should immediately go and read. In Plan B, in a chapter called "silent meditations" she writes of this inspirational speaker with a disfigured face. She quotes a part of his talk in which he said:

"We with facial deformities are children of the dark," he said. "Our shadow is on the outside. And we can see in the dark: we can see you, we see you turn away, but one day we finally understand that you turn away not from our faces but from your own fears. From those things inside you that you think mark you as someone unlovable to your family, and society, and even to God. All those years, I kept bad stories in the dark, but not anymore. Now I am stepping out into the light. And this face has turned out to be an elaborately disguised gift from God."

This is how I want to feel, not about my face, but about my sexuality--about ME. Right now, I'm only playing into the hatred and fear that are already present within people. We can all be so much more.

Home

2009-06-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

I'm spending some time with the parents and getting restless as usual.

I wish they could understand. I wish I could just explain things without hurting them. I wish I didn't have to shatter their expectations for me. I wish we could hope for the same things. It's one thing to just be a little different, but to actually say "Hey, I'm going to run against your deeply held, religiously (mis)informed prejudices" is quite a shocker.

Not that I'm anywhere close to telling them these things. But, so many other things we talk about intersect with my sexuality without them even knowing it. To them, it makes no sense that I world work far away from home. They do not understand why I would distance myself from the denomination in which I grew up. They do not understand why I do not want to come home. I can offer many reasons, but I'm sure they all seem silly since deep inside I know the real reason, and I know they cannot handle such truth just yet (if ever).

So, I am torn. Should I suck it up and try to end up somewhere reasonably close to home? Or, should I suck it up and come out? Either way, it's a huge risk. If I chose to work closer to home, it's possible that I come upon a supportive community, but it's very possible that I'm just miserable and in a religious environment that makes me want to puke. OR--I come out and risk total estrangement from the family.

Since both of these options, I have elected for things to remain simply as they are. I don't know if that's best, but it's all I can muster up at the moment.

I hate being sent on a guilt-trip.
I hate being misunderstood.
I hate lying to people I love.

I think all of this is why vacations at home tend to SUCK. I'm forced to deal with these demons.

Anyway, I'll probably be writing more this week as I have not much else to do. TTFN.

Is it too much to ask for?

2009-05-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

This is a work in progress which I will be fleshing out more soon--maybe.

So I'm talking with my good friend who is a girl from back home, and she's in one of her sort of discontent, restless moods and she has to say, "I just want a relationship! Is that too much to ask for?"

Unfortunately, the conversation got changed very quickly, but if I could have responded, I would have said:

Well, honey, actually, according to some, for me, yes, it IS too much to ask for a relationship! There are plenty of arrogant bastards who would say to me that I am called to celibacy because of my homosexuality! My friends, this statement comes entirely out of our cultural captivity and it has NOTHING to do with the Bible or spirituality!

Where does scripture say that homosexuality equals celibacy? Yes, it says some are called to celibacy. No, it does not say that all who are homosexual are called to that! So, perhaps there are homosexuals called to celibacy just as there are heterosexuals called to celibacy.

I see no spiritual grounds to equate homosexuality with celibacy! If there are, I would gladly hear them.

Actually, as I have posted about more extensively before, the Apostle Paul calls everyone to celibacy. Obviously, every Christian did not heed that, so it must be assumed that the vast majority of believers who are in committed relationships are validated in their doing so. So, perhaps it is presumptuous for us to suggest that the few verses on homosexuality mean that we are to be single forever, when the "standard" Paul sets for straights seems to be glossed over and spiritualized.

When are Christians going to wake up and realize that their biases have everything to do with a culture that has told them to reject us and nothing to do with scripture or spiritual insight. When are Christians going to realize that what we are dealing with here is not the abusive, bizarre, negative sorts of relationships with which the few verses that seem to mention homosexuality are about.

I think it's time to say that what we think scripture says about homosexuality quite honestly is absolutely useless and to be ignored as far as determining what is right for individuals who love each other and who are forbidden their full expression in the context of the society or church. There are plenty of scriptures to consider when talking about how to treat loving relationships. Perhaps the scriptures about homosexuality would be more appropriate in preaching against abuse--even that of straight men towards their wives. Perhaps the kinds of things scripture mentions that we think are about homosexuality are really about the people who refuse to live honestly and hurt the women they marry because of the gay relationships they are a part of behind the wife's back. Perhaps it is an abomination to forbid another person from loving in a way that is natural and most beneficial for society--which really is the main thrust of Levitcal law, from what I understand!

Let's not ignore these clinchers verses. Let's get to the root of what they mean for us today and let's proclaim it! It's time for us to define ourselves and not those preaching against us, and it's time for us to be the prophetic voice towards those who hate and harm.

A New Chapter

2009-05-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

Greetings to the few people who stumble across this blog!

A review...
I have not been posting very much lately. If this is your first time to this blog, or if you've been here before, and you want quick run-down of what's happened here so far without reading all of the past posts, here's a quick timeline. I would highly recommend the timeline over actually reading the posts! :-)

June 2008:
- I "came out to myself" and realize that I should not be content to live in the closet forever. Up to this point I had come to grips with the facts that I did not cause my homosexuality, that I cannot change it, and even that it is sinful. However, I still was choosing to not acknowledge publicly that part of my life, choosing instead to focus completely on my work and to live life as a single man. Well, I realized that this would do nothing to help all of those who struggle with similar things, nor would this be an honest way to live. I chose to begin living as the person God uniquely created, for better or for worse, but either way, honestly and at peace.

- First step was a visit to a gay bar while in a far-away city for a seminar. Had a great time exploring the "Gayborhood" and having a great discussion with a bar tender. (Slow night, sweet guy.)

- Next step was to visit a few bars in a city a little closer to where I live--about a two hour drive away. Just looking and observing. Met a guy and got to flirt a little. Lost contact eventually.

- Then I started this blog and began to contact others with similar blogs.

July 2008
- Met someone online and went out to dinner with them. Don't know if you would call it a date. Went hiking later on. A good experience to have, but haven't really remained in contact.

- Had a extremely stressful month and nearly got to my wits end in dealing with my sexuality while maintaining an intense level of activity at work.

August 2008
- Big news: came out to my best girl friend from back home. We are very close, so I knew I could trust her. Turns out, she thought we would get married some day. Had to break her heart. :-( BUT... she did accept me, though she remains entrenched in conservative church and does not as of yet affirm homosexuality as a valid option. We remain in close contact.

- Visited the parents while at home and became very frustrated with the deck of cards I had been dealt. Became very concerned about how the future may pan out.

September 2008
- Ray Boltz comes out of the closet.

- I discover Rachel Maddow! :-)

- I get deep into schoolwork at my seminary and because increasingly frustrated with "moderate" Christians and their lack of courage on the issue of homosexuality.

November 2008
- I attend a retreat for gays of my denomination in a nearby city. Met some wonderful people at a wonderful church. This experience helped me begin to finally form a support group, and I gained a very special friend and mentor who has helped, and continues to help, me to stay sane and to discover many exciting new life experiences. :-)

December 2008
- While at home during Christmas, I get set up on a date with a girl. I was disgusted by my forced phoniness and angry at the increasing pressure for me to get married.

January-May 2009
- Not much happened during this time, except I completed my degree programs and chose to take an offer to remain at work with the community for which I presently serve.

So, now I am in a new stage of life. Let me re-introduce myself.

- I am a twenty-something, "professional" minister. (As in, they pay me to do this.)
- I work in the south, in a rural community, at a church that is of an evangelical, moderate-to-conservative denomination with only a sprinkling of liberals.
- I am in the closet to most everyone in my day-to-day life.
- I have a few very close friends and I want to come out to them very soon.
- I have supportive friends in a nearby city to which I visit occasionally for outside-of-the-closet fun.
- I don't know if I will ever come out to my parents.
- I long for a dating relationship, but I realize that it would probably suck for the other person because of my situation.
- I would like to lovingly guide my pastor and church family to acceptance of gays.
- I'm not sure how I'm going to do the last thing I mentioned.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I will be posting more, now that I am out of school. I learn something every day about all of this, and I hope that all of us out here on the blogosophere can be of help to each other as we try to shatter down the closet door once and for all, and end the ignorance, misunderstanding, bigotry, and hatred that the church has concerning those in every congregation who are gay or lesbian.

Will you come along beside me? Will you lead me? Will you let me lift you up?

May God bless you with eyes for your heart that are enlightened to see a world at peace and every human soul made whole.

Just sayin'...

2009-05-09T16:31:00.001-07:00

There is so much I do not know.

Song of the Open Road

2009-05-02T20:49:00.001-07:00

Here is a beautiful poem by Walt Whitman, adapted by composer Norman Dello Joio.

Hello! Hello! Whoever you are, come travel with me,
Whoever you are.
We will sail pathless and wild seas,
We will go where waves dash and winds blow.
Oh! Hello! Hello! Whoever you are, come travel with me.
Come on! Come on! Wherever you are,
Look around! Look around!
You will find what never tires.
Come on! Come on, and join hands,
Know what it is as you pass to be loved by strangers.
Take to the open road, healthy and free,
Take the long path leading wherever I choose,
I travel with the wide world before me,
The earth expanding, the music sounding.
Hello! Hello! Wherever you are,
Come on! Come on! Whoever you are,
Join hands and travel with me.
I ordain myself loosed from imaginary limits.
From this hour I shall live as my own master,
Searching, receiving and listening,
Breaking the bonds that would hold me.
Sing a song of the open road, for here is space and here a great deed has room.
Sing a song of the highway I travel,
For here is the test of a wisdom, a wisdom that is of the soul.
Take warning of those who would hold you.
The mocking and bat-eyed men.
Take your love on the road with you,
Gather the minds of men out of their brains,
Gather love out of men’s hearts,
The universe is a path that is endless
The universe itself is a road.
Come forth, my call is the call of battle.
Going with me you must go well armed.
Come forth, come forth and travel with me.
I give you my hand.
I give you my love
I give you myself.
Will you give me yourself?
Will you travel with me?
The road is before us, I give you my hand,
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?
Whoever you are.
Wherever you are.
Come on and travel with me.

Jay Brannan

2009-03-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

Jay Brannan seems to have articulated exactly how I see myself vs. the world as a gay person. Read it:

the big annoying GAY factor

Then, visit his website if you are not already familiar with his music: http://www.jaybrannan.com/

Good morning, CNN!

2009-03-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

I don't usually post these kinds of things.. but MAN! Couldn't resist this one.

Rob Marciano
Click here for more pics and a really fun, related blog.

Moving forward..

2009-03-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

So, here's a sober post for once.

Concerning the previous post, the insanity has subsided. I can once again be productive and think at least somewhat clearly on occasion. It helps that work has been adequately distracting and there will be no more party time for a while.

The following is way too long and wordy. It's just my attempt to get some thoughts written out. I will probably make them much more precise very soon, but for the meantime, here is what I'm up to...

This phase of life--seminary-- will be over very soon (Thanks GAWD!). I have even settled on what I will be doing afterwards and it's not what I would have expected just a short time ago. I will remain at work in a community that i love early and one that loves me as well. This is an opportunity for which I am grateful and, though the time I stay will likely not be terribly long, I wish to make the most of it.

This is not what I expected. What i expected was to find a very progressive church I would work and be totally open about who I am. I would have loved to end up in a great, diverse city. But... I'll be in a place that's pretty much opposite of that, and I am strangely comfortable with the idea.

What good would it do for me to work in a place where I can only affirm existing attitudes. What good would it do to condemn hatred and bigotry from those places where one would expect to hear such messages. Though I am in no way condemning those type of places and I do expect to be in that type of environment some day, for this season in my life, I feel called to be present in a place where there is indeed a lack of understand that leads to exclusion and yes, even hate.

I wouldn't just go to any backwoods community. But I'm staying, because I know these people. I have given these people all I have to give. We have been seen difficulties and successes together and we have grown together. By letting me stay past this point they have essentially endorsed who they know me to be and what I am doing.

So, my vision is this: to get to know me even a little more. To know me for who I really am. If i were to reveal such things in love, would they reject me? I have a hard time believe they would.

So, if they would accept me, could they begin to accept others as well?

Here's my theory. Everyone knows families who have had a kid come out as gay. Though the family struggles for a while, in many cases (though I admit, definitely not all of them) the families at least come to a tolerance if not a full acceptance of that child. When someone who is very close comes out, it becomes so much easier to accept their sexuality because you wish to accept the person. However, the friends of this family may not feel the same way. It doesn't affect them quite as directly. They can remove themselves from the situation and cast judgments on the person and on the family.

This community has fell in love with many ministers who they discover are gay only after they are long gone--only after they are out of sight. When this usually happens, the rumors abound, and, as rumors usually do, they grow and get bigger and bigger. Before long people are talking of this person who has fallen in to debauchery and sin and living this disgusting, immoral life... etc. You know the kind of perceptions of which I speak.

What if this community could come to know of one's sexuality before they are long gone, indeed, while they are still working and serving in their midst. Would it be so easy to judge? Would the rumors grow so large if this person in is plain sight and pouring his heart out like always?

This is my hope. Just as a family learns to tolerate and/or accept a gay child, I feel like my family that is this larger community in which I work can come to accept me as who I am as well. And then, as I move on, I leave behind a community that loves without exclusion... maybe not always perfectly.. but always mindful of a specific face before they hate another sister or brother.

I know this is a lofty dream. This must happen in an altogether unlikely place with an altogether unlikely group of people. It may blow up in my face, but at least I know I tried. What good is a prophet in his own country? I could preach all of this to people who already agree with myself until we're all blue in the face, but who has it benefitted? I could preach this in the last place where I, or anyone else, would want to endure the repercussions of it... and possibly transform a community into one that cares for everyone around them and nurtures its people rather than one which ridicules those who are different.

So, for now, that is my dream. We'll see how this goes!

My 12 year old emotions...

2009-03-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

(rambling ahead)

uh oh. I don't know if I can stand this. I was doing just fine with my repressed emotions. lol. I had to go and look around and now I've ended up falling for someone with whom I have not even had a substantial conversation. I freak out every time I get a text message. Then I freak out as I wonder if I replied the wrong way.. if I coming off as stalkerish, boring, pretentious, needy, etc. I mean, it's probably someone that I would NEVER work well with as far as a relationship is concerned... we're so very different. But they're there.. and they're so pretty... and I can't freaking concentrate.

I really need to be able to concentrate at this very precise juncture in my life. There will be plenty of time for letting my thoughts run wild. But right now, I can't seem to stop it! I've opened up something that I can't seem to close. I know... it's all silly.. but I just can't shake it off.

Damn! Wouldn't I have been better off just staying retreated in my hole somewhere?

This boy is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing that I think about as I fall to sleep.. which I have a hard time doing as I think about him.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't get like this. Ever!!! I'm in control, I've got my shit together... except when it's not, when is right now!

There's a reason most people have these kinds of experiences when they're teenagers and still stupid enough to not realize it's wrecking their life! LOL

I kissed a boy...

2009-03-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

...and I liked it.

Where I am

2009-03-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while, but I don't want to leave this behind just yet, so here's sort of a rambling update.

It'd mid-semester and crazy as usual. The course work is not so hard this semester, but with graduation and the future very near in the future, stress levels are about as high as they usually are.

The gay thing... well I've sort of turned that off here lately. I do tend to speak a bit more openly about what I think about such things as Christianity and homosexuality, gay marriage, etc., and I also don't really put up much of a front any more. I pretty much say "not interested in dating" and don't try to pretend like I want to date women. Basically I do everything except officially say "I'm gay." Maybe some people have figured it out.. maybe they're still clueless. I don't know, and I don't particularly care what they think at this point. I just need this season to pass.

I do have a new friend in town who I met online, and we hang out every now and then. It's a nice low-expectations kind of friendship and we seem very comfortable when we're hanging out. I do freak out sometimes about going to public places... movie theaters, restaurants, bars, etc. because he is not in my usual "social circle" so I'm not sure how I would answer questions like "hey, who are you?" if I ran into someone I know. I really hate being that way, but that part of my life is still there.

My future place of employment may turn out to be something I was not expecting. That is, I might be staying where I currently am. I have mixed motions about this. I love the people, but I don't see myself making much personal progress while here. I will still have to compartmentalize different aspects of my life. But, on the other hand, I have great empathy for places like this, and I wish I could help bring about the needed change there. In order to do that, I have to be present. It's not forever.. we'll see how it turns out.

Things are generally good... I just need some direction at the moment.

Peace to you! Please comment and tell me how YOU are doing.

Haggard's latest

2009-01-24T17:45:00.000-08:00

Go over to towleroad and read this about the new Ted Haggard scandal.

This makes me hate conservative Christianity.

I get so tired of the bullshit. Haggard gets found out, says it didn't happen. Then he says it did, but only once. Then evangelical leaders say they can fix him. Then they said they did. Then Haggard says well not exactly and that he still loves his wife and is so "hurt" by his God-damned church. Then this comes out, that he had a sexual relationship with a 20 year old man at his church--like it's really a big surprise! Meanwhile Haggard is still on this money-making kick saying that his sexuality is a result of abuse or some shit like that, and that the church has dealt with him unfairly.

Maybe the church has dealt with him unfairly, but it's a church that HE built, and they're using the same hateful rhetoric for which he gave precedence.

I shed a tear when I watched that video above. Not because I feel such great compassion for these people involved, but because I'm so damn angry and so tired of the bullshit! I get tired of the facade that Christians put up. I get tired of the superficial standards that we assume are Christian. I get so tired of churches who hold on to what they think the Bible says about homosexuality all the while they are molesting people and paying others off not to tell.

Moments like this, I'm not sure the diplomatic, slow, pastoral way of dealing with things is most appropriate. Jesus had his patient, compassionate, shepherding side, but he also had his furious, direct, confrontational and unrelenting way of doing things. On this issue, we need the latter. We need to start calling bull shit when we see it. We need to break away from the whole system of shallow spiritual formation that leads so many faithful people to close their mind and mindlessly accept the dogma that is preached at them. It's time to be real, to drop the flowery Christian-ese, and tell it like it is.

I think I am angry because I feel caught right in the middle of this. I've been led along to a career path to serve a church that says I do not conform to their status quo. I'm surrounded by people who want to be open minded and tolerant, yet they can't let go of the old habits, the old language, and the old beliefs--and these things seem to ALWAYS trump their acceptance of those who are different. Everyone seems to be hoping this will get resolved, but they don't want to be the ones to speak up and make things different.

It will probably take way more than one person, but I feel like I am supposed to be one of those people. I pray that I have the courage to be one of those people. However, we will need advocates: in particular, straight, white males in leadership. We can march, we can scream, but we can't change anything until someone from the "other side" buys it. How many more pastors have to get caught in this destructive cycle? How many more 20 year olds will be seduced by sexually oppressed men in positions of authority? How many more dollars will be spent to maintain the appearance that everything is ok?

Peggy Campolo is a Baptist Saint!

2009-01-17T17:00:00.000-08:00

Read this! http://www.abpnews.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3469&Itemid=9

"The anguish and despair I have seen in the Christian gay community does not allow time for such a scholarly approach to be our first move. We who are called to love our neighbors as ourselves must get to know and listen to them NOW."

Pretty much the greatest thing ever

2009-01-16T10:21:00.000-08:00

Fucking hillarious!

BroHarmony.Com - A Place for Dudes to Meet Other Dudes @ Yahoo! Video

Drinking and other random statements

2009-01-16T09:54:00.000-08:00

- If I don't stop the random heavy drinking it's going to result in me throwing my own gay pride parade out of the closet.

- Met someone new from in town yesterday. We went out for a couple of beers. It will be nice to have a gay friend close by. It was very strange and nerve wracking to be seen out with a guy who is not already in my social circle. I don't think my cover was blown or anything--we tended to avoid the more popular spots.

- Pretty sure another friend is just waiting on me to come out to him. I mean, what kind of question is "so tell me your dirty secrets?" !!!

It's a new day ... and I'm feelin' good

2009-01-11T21:17:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's only been a week since the last time I posted--so much seems to have happened. I don't really have a direction to go here, but I need to process what's going on in my head... WARNING: This is uninteresting reading, sorry.

Last Saturday - I had the weekend off, so I decided I would stay the night in Dallas (yes, that narrows my location down a bit) and visit a few churches on Sunday morning (yes, I am a nerd). With a few hours left before it was reasonable to go to sleep, I chose to hang out at a bar or two. It was fun enough--I enjoy the people watching--especially of people who are not trying to hide their sexuality. It's helpful to be reminded there are others. Anyway, drinking alone is always kind of awkward and annoying, especially with the social skills of a 12 year old :-) so I did not tarry long.

Last Sunday - This day was SO MUCH FUN--just seeing three totally different churches do their thing. Two of them are worth mentioning, one of which bills itself as the "largest liberal(/gay) church in the world." I had almost decided against visiting this church. I watch them often online. I didn't know how I felt about a "gay" church (it sort of reminded me of "cowboy" churches or other affinity oriented congregations) and it seemed as if their service can be a little over the top at times.

Boy, was it ever over the topic and I LOVED it! The heartiness of the singing, the sincerity of of the worship, the warmth of the community... it was simply a very special experience that seemed to be what church and religion should be all about. These people believe in love and they have a very real hope of a better world and a pretty good idea of what that could look like. I left that place believing like I have not in a very long time. I could go on...

Another church I visited was much more along the lines of a traditional, urban church--unlike the first church I mentioned. But the refreshing thing there was the diversity of the people that was neither paraded or hidden. People seemed to genuinely love and accept each other, and it was this love and acceptance that has kept the "gay issue" from being an issue. This congregation did not have to vote on whether or not they will accept gays and lesbians, it simply made sense if they truly were to believe what they said they believed in.

Saturday I saw Milk with a great new friend. I had no idea how long the struggle for gay rights has been going on. I always assumed this was a new thing, but no... people have been fighting over this for well over 30 years and ignorance still pervades. In many ways this film simply pissed me off, and it confirmed once again that the closet is EVIL and it's not where I should be. It helps no one. On the other hand, if I were out, I could be more open with a lot of people about the hell we go through and give them a name to go with these "queers" that seem to incite so much fear.. that name would be MINE.

Really the only factors holding me back are: successfully completing my degree program and the parents. Concerning the parents.. they are becoming unbearable. I'm pretty sure they would love me and not disown me if I were out (and if they DID disown me then that would be my invitation to ignore them forever)... but really the thing that makes it so impossible for me to come out to my parents is is the shitty way I would feel over the grief that I would cause them. They would go into mourning, seriously! It would make them literally sick, and the stress would pervade their life for months. Sure, the stress of being gay lasts my whole life and it's not going away--but I can deal with it, I can manage it, I can control it... I can't control my parents' stress. I can't get them up to speed on the thing that I've been thinking about for years. It just sucks--big time--and I'm not sure I'll ever bother with coming out to them.

Other than that, however, I'm feeling good. I'm enlarging my network of support, I'm loving my job, my faith is vital, and I have real hope. This year is going to be a good year, and it's going to be a pivotal year on many levels. Life one year--even a few months--from now is going to look much different and I cannot even imagine what will happen within the next year. These are exciting times.. and I'm ready.

My Take on Warren

2009-01-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, this is my own lame contribution to the many words being said about the Warren-Obama-Inauguration-Prayer issue. To all the gays: CALM DOWN.

You're forgetting something very important. EVANGELICALS ARE VERY EASILY DUPED.

Obama is a smart politician. He never (rarely) takes anything back. There have been numerous decisions that many pushed back against, yet in the long run they were effective decisions, and I firmly believe the Warren thing is the same kind of well-thought kind of decision.

Back to my point... EVANGELICALS ARE VERY EASILY DUPED. I mean, George W. is not an exclusivist, nor is he a Biblical literalist, but the evangelicals were all DUPED into thinking that he shared their shallow, ignorant religion. (Not that G.W.'s religion is deep and informed or anything...)

I'm at home for the holidays, and attended my parents' (uber conservative) church this past Sunday. After the service, I happened to overhear some women bitching about Obama when one of them said, "well at least he asked Rick Warren to do the prayer!" to which all the other women agreed with enthusiasm.

I know these women, and for them to say ANYTHING positive about:

- a black man
- a liberal
- a democrat
- Barack Obama

...is HUGE. These are the same bitches that send around emails saying Obama is the anti-Christ, or an Arab terrorist, etc. Just as easily as they believe that kind of bullshit, they can believe that Obama can become "one of us" just by asking a light-weight preacher like Rick Warren to deliver a stupid prayer.

Now, concerning the negative effects this has on the movements for gay equality: what are they?? There are none that I can think of. Would there be negative effects if Obama was solidly liberal in every choice he made? Absolutely! That would energize the evangelicals like we've never seen and society would regress 50 years! What Obama has done in this decision, and in others, is to sort of appease these masses rather than inciting them. They're definitely not on Obama's side, but they're not angry, and, from what I've seen while at home, many folks (very Republican, conservative folks) even seem hopeful that he is going to be good for the economy.

So, if by NOT asking Warren, or by rescinding his decision, nothing is really done FOR gay rights, and if by asking him, nothing is really done AGAINST gay rights (it's not like this is tied to ANY policy decision of Obama's) but rather, a lot of unlikely people are turned on to a president that will likely push for greater rights for gays, then I think Warren and his little prayer should stay in the bulletin.

We must take sides.

2008-12-31T09:55:00.000-08:00

The Novel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech Delivered by Elie Wiesel is Oslo on December 10, 1986

And then I explain to him how naive we were, that the world did not know and remained silent. And that is why I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must takes sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national orders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must--at that moment--become the center of the universe.

Read this...

2008-12-29T19:45:00.000-08:00

Click here and read a thoughtful and appropriately challenging post by pF2.

Next year!

2008-12-27T19:56:00.000-08:00

I'm usually not a big "new years resolutions" kind of guy, but this year, i think I'm going to give it a shot. While I have several personal goals, certain ones I think are most appropriate for this blog. They are as follows:

- Construct my very own "defense" for my sexuality. A lot of people have done a lot of work on these sorts of things, and I will draw heavily from their work. However, I feel that is important to articulate it for myself since I supposedly have a theological education, AND I feel like there are few resources that explain the issues in a way that will fly for conservative people who take the Bible very seriously (or at least think they do). If I am ever going to be real with my family and many of my old friends, I am going to have to be very sure about what I believe and why I believe it and be able to converse about it in detail.

- Develop friendships with those in the gay community. As of now, most of my interactions with the gay community have been online through blogging or various other means. Wherever I end up with my career, I want to get plugged in with a group of people with whom I can be myself around even if every other social circle puts up barriers.

- Come out to my close friends. If one of these resolutions is to fail it will be this one, yet it's the one I would like to see happen most of all. I suppose that means it's the riskiest one. I have a couple of very close friends with whom I share much of work and life. At this point, I feel like I am being dishonest with them by not letting them know about this HUGE part of my life.

- Fall in love. No, I don't necessarily mean dating or finding someone to spend my life with, etc. I just want to have a major crush of the Jr. High variety. For so long I have denied that part of my being and I find it hard to be vulnerable to love and romance. I want to get past that and encounter someone that makes me giddy and nervous... someone that will occupy my mind incessantly; someone about whom I can imagine lots of crazy things. For once, I want to feel fully human.

Right now, I cannot imagine what life will be like a year from now. So much has to happen between now and then, and it frightens me. I've never felt so clueless in my life, and I guess it's finally time that I practice what I preach and learn to trust the surprising winds of the Spirit.

Hate is strong and mocks the song of peace...

2008-12-17T21:25:00.000-08:00

This is infuriating.

About the previous post

2008-12-10T07:21:00.000-08:00

I never paid much attention to this song. I just figured it was another sappy Christmas tear-jerker that everyone wants to hear in or order to get their warm, fuzzy feeling, climaxing at the big flashy high note at the end.

However, it occurred to me that this song is about much more than a romanticized, irrelevant story--and so is Christmas more than that! It's about... the thrill of hope, the breaking in of a new and glorious morn, it's about a God who struggles with us--in all our trials born to be our friend. Jesus was not born to condemn the broken and save the "perfect"--he was born to befriend those who suffer, and to suffer himself: He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger. Wow.

There are many times I stop believing. Having faith is a constant struggle. But, this year, after sorting through the facts about who I am, I have begun to find great hope in my belief. When I imagine the reign of God, it is not some abstract theological concept that has nothing to do with me. It has very real implications. It's something about which I can vividly dream. It's something I can pray for and it's something I can fight for. It's a phenomenon that, at times like Christmas, I feel has already begun.

Everyone (I think) has a very real struggle--mine happens to be homosexuality. I now believe that until we accept that Christ can redeem and make beautiful whatever keeps us down, we will never know what a "new earth" may look like. May we all march toward that dream and find ourselves thrilled by hope this season.

His law is love and his gospel is peace.

2008-12-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here come the wise men from Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.
He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King, Behold your King.

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.

"Biblical marriage" is a farce!

2008-12-08T16:33:00.000-08:00

Here's a great article: http://www.newsweek.com/id/172653/page/1

Thanks to Scott Jones who mentioned it on his blog.

This makes a great case for two points: the conservative American ideal of "traditional" family is NOT a biblical notion, and it's hermeneutically irresponsible to suggest otherwise AND homosexual relationships are not addressed in scripture.

I think all of these things are pretty obvious to anyone who conducts a level-headed investigation upon the subject. The problem is we're not having this conversation, and can get away with such statements like "The Bible defends marriage between one man and one woman." Really, now? it's time to call BULL SHIT on these kinds of statements--wether you are straight or gay.

Paul Revisited

2008-11-29T19:28:00.000-08:00

I realize these sorts of ruminations are boring to the vast majority of readers. However, for those gay Christians wishing keep their faith and remain in the church, I believe it is necessary to forge ahead with new careful and constructive interpretations of scripture. So, let's look at 1 Corinthians 7.

Many Christians, especially baptists and evangelicals, as far as I can tell, are settling on the position that, indeed it's not likely that homosexuals can change their orientation. However, it is still not accepted, and it should be viewed as sinful behavior, just as alcoholism, gluttony, greed, etc... you know... each person's particular vices. (Though, to suggest that someone's hyper-affiinity for chocolate is akin to sexual orientation is absolutely insulting. Anyhoo...)

So: you can't change it, but you can't accept it; it is your cross to bear and you must resist that temptation in order to remain faithful to Christ.

***You know, maybe I'm inclined to agree!

Paul said something similar to this. He said:

“It is well for a man not to touch a woman.” (7:1)

"I wish that all were as I myself am. [single]" (7:7)

"To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain unmarried as I am." (7:7)

It's pretty evident that Paul believes chastity is best. But, Paul does grant a spirit of limited freedom in sexual conduct, because he says:

But because of cases of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. (7:2)

Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (7:5)

But if they [the unmarried or widows] are not practicing self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion. (7:9)

So, Paul sets a clear standard: remain single. But, he is not at all legalistic about this and offers options in order that everyone can remain pure.

The argument many moderate and conservative church leaders make is this: homosexuals should remain celibate. Paul's statement was this: heterosexuals should remain celibate.

How interesting that we can be on an equal playing field? This tends to clarify the issue. Would heterosexuals be willing to scrutinize--and even deny--their sexuality in the same way they demand of their homosexual sisters and brothers, in order to remain pure?

Paul says they should--the standard is celibacy. Marriage is to preserve purity for the vast majority who would certainly fall into promiscuity without sex in a marital relationship.

So, if straights have the same tough standard as gays, why should straights get a "get out of celibacy free" card while gays are left to deny who they are in spite of the very real possibilities of immorality?

The issue of what to do with homosexuals in the church is not "apples and oranges," we're dealing with the same thing: human sexual tendencies and relationships. Is it possible that the apostle Paul, living in 2008, would be outraged that gays and lesbians are given no options and are virtually set up for moral failure (as is evidenced by all of the gay people who play straight and marry someone of the opposite gender, only to be tempted with cheating on their spouse later on)?

I am convinced, by a conservative reading of this letter of Paul, that we, as gay persons, being honest about our impulses and abilities to control them, should be given the option of living as the sexual beings we were created to be in a way that is positive, godly, moral, pure, and life-affirming.

Please deconstruct this argument in the comments below.

Leave me the hell alone!

2008-11-22T07:01:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I was past the point of any serious set ups with women, my sister-in-law discovers someone who is probably the absolute perfect match... except for she's a woman, of course. So, when I go home for thanksgiving and every force on earth is trying to get us together, how exactly do I react?

"Sorry, I'm not dating right now."? I've been saying that forever and I'm not getting any younger.

"I'm just not the marrying type."? And dash all of my parents' hopes and dreams for more grandchildren?

"No, thanks, I like boys."? Yeah, way to ruin thanksgiving.

I'm probably going to be expected to go no at least one date with her. I can't believe I'm back in this spot. I swore I would never again go through the hell that is dating women... at least those who are strangers who are actually expecting me to want to fuck them.

I'm not at home very often. The only times I ever kinda want things to be generally like they always were is when I go home. I really wish this would go away, I wish people would leave me alone when it comes to setting me up, and I wish I could just be honest about it so these predicaments wouldn't come up in the first place.

Baby envy?

2008-11-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

Do gay men have the same sort of maternal urges as straight women that cause them to want children? You know--baby envy.

I've always wanted to adopt and raise children--though more from a sense of ethical responsibility, living out the gospel and a love for children than anything else. However, today I've been seeing babies with their parents and have felt almost a jealous incompletion. To look into the eyes of such a beautiful little human makes everything else in the world not matter for a moment.

Once today, I even closed my eyes for a second and just imagined laying there with a sleeping baby on my chest and felt a vivid sense of love and self-giving as I rarely can conjure up in my own imagination... Then a friend came by and knocked me out of the trance.

Gosh, how weird is all of this... I rarely get so.. sappy. The shitty thing is that all of that has to wait! It has to wait me deciding to burst out of the closet and get on with life and to do what is right in a world that says to me, "no!".

Today.. I get it. I get why many gay men will marry women in order to have this dream of a family come true. I get why the struggle for marriage is so serious. And I absolutely do not get why anyone would deny someone the right to love and to raise a child.

The sure provisions of my God attend me all my days.
Oh may Thy house be my abode and all my work be praise
There would I find a settled rest where others go and come.
No more a stranger, nor a guestm but like a child at home.
-Isaac Watts

Something freakin' happen already!

2008-11-11T21:18:00.000-08:00

I hate how trite this sounds, but I just wish there were someone who would listen!

The closet is killing me at the moment. I know there has to be someone around who can understand but I don't know how to find them because their closet is just as shut as mine.

The church has sort of carved out this whole track my life has been on ever since high school. I have come far, and could go even farther... so long as I continue to fake it.

If I could just have ONE certain affirmation that anyone in my day-to-day life is gay (I do believe lots of folks are, it's just a matter of being sure which ones) with whom I could share support, I would imagine things would be so much easier. If that does not happen, my only hope is to get AWAY to a new place and get into a secular career. The thing that keeps pulling me to stay is that I do have a great love for the people with whom I minister, yet the greatest pain is that they can't help me. They can't even know there's a problem. That is such shit.

I feel like I need something to happen, even if it is drastic.

stressed!!!!!!

2008-10-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

(Rambling ahead)

I can be such a tool. I'm a tool to the system I'm in, to the people I'm acquainted with, and I'm a tool the very facades I build around myself. When have I ever really been myself?? ..and I'm not just talking about sexuality. In an effort to avoid sexuality, I've altogether avoided life. Not that I don't think my work counts as life, but here lately I'm been realizing inept I am at networking. I keep very loose ties with folks in the past with whom I was associated. People who could be very important in my life, I keep at arms distance and never really take advantage of those relationships.

I have a few friends who, around me, always seem (for some reason) to be comfortable talking about who they think is gay, and what these people are doing and the crowds they're doing it with. All I can think of is, the closets of these people we're talking about have to be just as deep as mine, so how are they supposedly finding a "crowd"--even if it's still in secret? If it weren't for blogs, I would assume I'm the only homo on the planet!!

It's not like I'm a total loner. I have friends. I like them, and they seem to like me. But the people I spend the most time around, I'm afraid their friendship is played out in front of the background of the very facades I mentioned.

I feel like I need to just "let loose"... To be free from obligations for a short season... To feel what it's like to live in the moment and explore mere humanity.

Maybe some day that will happen. Or, perhaps I will always be a slave to my work. Most days, this work is very fulfilling, but some days, like today, I just wonder if it really is a flimsy, thin facade.

A Tale of Three Churches

2008-10-05T20:52:00.001-07:00

Today, I had a particularly acute glimpse of how broad and dysfunctional is the body of the Christ.

Early on Sunday mornings, when I'm on the way to my own church, I often listen to services from a large church in a nearby major city. This church has often been somewhat of an epicenter of Christian fundamentalism. Their services are these tacky, mind-numbing, loud, evangelical-traditional, happy-clappy sorts of things which tend to always amuse me. Anyway, it comes the preachers turn to the mic and then he starts sputtering some arrogant nonsense about what he believes to be hell--which turns out to be a very convenient place to which he can damn all of the people that he and his flock do not care for.

Then I arrived at my church where I spent the rest of the day and most of the evening. While I could go on about the things that annoy me about my own church family, I do love them and they seem to love me. We are an odd and peculiar bunch of folks, all with different problems and different gifts to bring to the table. The thing I love most about this congregation is the absolute lack of pretense in any of the things that we do. Most of us are genuinely concerned for each other and earnestly trying to discern what we are to be doing as a church. I long to fully be a part if this group--to be as transparent with others as many have been with me. I wish I could call for help with my own burden while I'm trying to help others with theirs. I wish I could break the silence of all the people who cannot speak in this congregation, and to unveil the eyes of these people who don't even realize the hurt they allow to happen in their own community.

Then that brings me to the last church that I observed in action today. It was a glimpse of of hope for me--hope for the Church, and for the world. It happens to be a large "gay" church in the same major city as the first church I described. Its worship, which I often watch online, is also loud and rather happy-clappy (relative to other churches in their denomination) with a certain evangelical feel to it. However, it is VASTLY different from the first church I mentioned in that the congregation is mostly gay and they are totally affirming of gays and lesbians and their relationships with each other.

I often watch the services from this church, but the thing that caught my attention in today's service was the baptism of two baby girls who along with a young boy were the children of two gay men. One of the most beautiful pictures I've seen lately was the image of a lesbian pastor standing between two gay men, giving a blessing to them and their young family. Here are three beloved individuals who have been broken and crushed by society, yet have survived to lead a congregation and to raise a family. Here were three living witnesses to the dignity and worth of the redeemed human soul! As soon as the baptism was finished, the congregation sang this beautiful, simple song that was a perfect proclamation of God's love and healing for a broken people:

O tender Mother, hear our prayer,
as we your children gather near.
We offer you our wounded souls,
for your caress can make us whole. (Michael S. Piazza)

Then, at the end of the service, the hundreds of people in the congregation joined hands together to sing a song that Christians all over the globe--gay, straight, conservative, liberal--sang on this day:

"How great is our God.. sing with me, and all will see how great is our God!"

But for some reason, I really believed these people when they proclaimed that when they sing together, the world will see the greatness of God. That greatness is so often clouded by the ones singing it--by hatred, oppression, ridicule, ignorance, and exclusion. I don't believe in much of anything these days, but, for a moment, a group of complete strangers, hands held high, showed me something great to believe in.

"Moderate" Christians and the prying friend

2008-09-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

It has become incredibly difficult for me to blog lately. It takes such a great deal of energy to really focus on the kinds of things I write about here. Tucking away things that happen during a normal day is burden enough. However, an email from Adam from the blogosphere (http://standstraightandstepforward.blogspot.com/) encouraged me to keep going with this. I would also like to give a shout out to Dave (http://openlygaychristian.blogspot.com/) with whom I have made communication quite a chore. I intend to correct that soon--blessings to you in all the many stressful things that are going on in your life!

I have 2 topics to write about tonight... a) "Moderate" Christians who ignore and/or reject gays and lesbians and b) a friend who is prying

"Moderate" Christians

Lately, it has been incredibly frustrating hearing both the ignorance and the silence towards gays by those Christians who label themselves "moderate." Those who talk about it tend to have absolutely no clue other than their own perceptions and biases, and those who don't talk about it would probably affirm us, but they are waiting for some magical "right time."

Yesterday I heard two people with whom I work very closely insist that folks "decide" to become gay because it's a "cool" thing to do. Where the hell is this fairy-tale world that they're living in??? Because I would love to be there! This is one I haven't really heard before, but they were absolutely convinced that it happens. Of course, I had to sit there in silence rather than speak up for myself and the many others whose deep pain and frustration is trivialized and mocked by this safe attitude that homosexuality is some sort of "fad," like crocks or Hannah Montana. I say this is a safe attitude to them, because it depersonalizes the issue and lowers it to a place where one thinks she or he can just tell the person dealing with it to "get over it" and "snap out of it." When will people realize how bad this hurts, how NOT cool we think it is, and how dehumanizing it is to speak of gays and lesbians in such terms. Loving our neighbor implies that we should not mock them or trivialize their gravest struggles.

The second infuriating statement I heard recently was today and it was made by a gentleman who very much disdains Christian fundamentalists, or "fundies" as he so pejoratively calls them. This is a man who has spent much of his life fighting for the freedom of the Christian individual and the individual's competency in sorting out spiritual matters for his or her self. This is a man who has fought against institutions who wished for its members all to conform to one particular religious and moral standard. He would proudly call himself a "moderate" Christian. But the he also proudly states that he walked out of his church because some members and the pastor (whom he immaturely mocks in the process) were open to gays in leadership positions! Way to go, you old fart! You showed them not to mess with the status quo and you showed them what happens when they do: you'll take your money and run along with a whole bunch of other folks!

I'm sorry, but I have no respect for those who think it's somehow righteous for them to consciously destroy unity in a church because some precious children of God have been led to the conclusion that they can live truly as the person they have created to be--and they can be that person in the church.

Why is it that secular institutions must consistently lead the way in civil rights and equality? How embarassing, and how utterly impotent as a moral and ethical influence is the community who follows Jesus Christ.

I more and more feel led to be an advocate for the many people who who struggle to be heard and acknowledged. I feel like someone needs to breaking the silence and speak out against the complete lack of options given by the Christian "center." I am sick and tired of the cowardly approach that we should give the issue some time before really staking out a position.

I am torn because I feel that it would be right for me to speak out against these things, yet I am scared silly to loose family, friends, reputation and ministry over it. The words of Martin Luther King, Jr. from his "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" should disturb and provoke those people of whom I speak, but actually, it disturbs and provokes me:

We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. Frankly, I have yet to engage in a direct action campaign that was "well timed" in the view of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of segregation. For years now I have heard the word "Wait!" It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This "Wait" has almost always meant "Never." We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that "justice too long delayed is justice denied."

The Friend

I have a very good friend. We both do the same kind of work and we're both damn good at it. We work together on many projects and feed off of each other's contrasting personality types very well. When we're together we come up with some ideas that are almost dangerous.

Today the conversation turned to future career/ministry moves and the issue of my singleness came up. THEN, the question of what to do when someone involved in the hiring process asks, "So, you're not married. Are you gay???" to which I pretty said I would reply, "it's none of your damn business!"

I am nowhere nearly being out to this friend, however, this conversation, coupled with some other remarks he made earlier, along with the very confident answer I gave to his question of what to do in that hypothetical interview situation make me believe that he may be on to me. Should I just bite the bullet and let him know? I do feel somewhat guilty for being not totally honesty about myself with my close friends. But, as I felt before coming out with my one friend who knows, I fear that this would make our friendship awkward, or, worst case scenario, end it. The difference here is that he is male. I have no kind of romantic or sexual attraction to him IN THE VERY LEAST but I would not want to introduce an 800 pound gorilla to our relationship.

In conclusion, I am mentally exhausted by all of this along with the hum drum of work and school. I yearn for a community who understands me and can accompany me along this way, as I do the same for others. I would be so grateful to hear one person in my world say one thing remotely hopeful about the situation of gays and lesbians. I also long for the courage to be an advocate and support for freedom and acceptance for others in my situation. I am in the same place I have been for several months now in that I simply DO...NOT...KNOW what to do.

I'm a big fan...

2008-09-25T20:48:00.001-07:00

A damn good liberal and a very smart journalist, who happens to be a lesbian...

Rachel Maddow - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The Rachel Maddow Show- The show features a smart look at politics ...

Ray Boltz

2008-09-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

If you know his name, then read this article and you will likely think it is a big deal.

http://www.washingtonblade.com/2008/9-12/arts/feature/13258.cfm

Boredom...

2008-09-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

So, now that life is back in high gear, I have less and less time to think about such things as I discuss on this blog. I suppose I'm back where I started--doing my own thing and ignoring my sexuality and hoping the "gay thing" never comes up in a real life conversation.

What's interesting, among those formerly conservative Christians who now call themselves "moderate" is how reluctant they are to bring up homosexuality in a discussion. These types will debate nearly anything but they don't want to go anywhere near homosexuality.

My best guess as to why this does not happen is because they know where they would land if they actually thought it through. So, then, why is this so much more difficult to let go of than the myriad of other issues they have come through? (i.e., gender roles, the role of women in ministry, Biblical innerancy, creationism, Republicanism, anti-environmentalism, etc.)

So anyway, I'm sort of in a period of waiting at the moment. My posting has become, and will continue to be, more sporadic as there is just nothing to say at this point.

Matthew Mitcham Wins Gold

2008-08-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-olydiving24-2008aug24,0,3203179.story

I pretty much never get excited about any sports event, but I must say that Matthew Mitcham's win is a great inspiration for anyone who believes normal people who are good at what they do and happen to be proud and open about who they are, can change the world and make it a more life-affirming place for everyone.

"where there is hatred, let me sow love"

2008-08-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

(Note to self: NEVER again watch the Olympics with my family.)

DISCLAIMER: This post is an example of the "pissed off" and angry version of me. There will be some foul language utilized. :-)

I've been unusually blog happy in the past couple of days. I blame it on UTTER BOREDOM. I am home with my family this week, which has resulted in way more downtime than I need, and when I get bored, I start thinking, which is always dangerous.

Anyway, I think I'm figuring out why I don't enjoy coming home and why I have such a hard time communicating with my parents: I am exactly the kind of person they hate!

Now, they don't really know this, because I usually keep silence on most any controversial topic in order to maintain the peace. But I realized that when they make snide, hateful comments about the kinds of people they make snide, hateful comments about, that I happen to be one of those people!

It seems like the conversation ALWAYS turns into how ridiculous are blacks, Africans, Mexicans, Chinese, democrats, liberals and gays. Oh, and let's add to the list 1) anyone who cares about any of the above people or 2) anyone who cares about the poor.

WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL DOES THIS ATTITUDE HAVE TO DO WITH THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST? How in the hell can these supposedly good, god-fearing, red-blooded Americans reconcile hatred with ANYTHING to do with Jesus? It's blasphemy and evil.

They have no idea that I feel this way and I have no idea how to go about telling them that I do. This is not even about the gay thing--this is just generally how I think and live life. The gay thing is SO beyond them that I wouldn't even dare bother. I just would like to see them NOT thinking they are infinitely better and more dignified than everyone else on the planet!

The ethnocentrism and hatred absolutely tear at my soul. I don't believe I have ever felt so hopeless in the condition world. I have never been so frustrated at my parents.

So, basically, this is starting to feel personal. When they make such biting comments about certain types of people, I feel as if they are saying those things about me. When they talk about how silly it is for some "do-gooder" to think she/he can do any good in the world with the disadvantaged, or when they talk about "N****r-lovers", etc. I feel like it is a slap in my own face and it makes me want to stay far away from them.

Not that I am doing some great good in the world, not that I'm really a champion of justice and peace--but, damnit, I hope I can be humble enough to realize that I'm no better than my sisters and brothers. And I pray that my disdain for such attitudes does not turn into my own self-righteousness.

But, what can I do? I hate to be one to just run away from the problem, which is in essence what I'm doing now. I just can't stand to be around it and I surely do not want to plop myself right in the middle of it indefinitely when I choose a full-time job. How can I lovingly encourage them to open their eyes? How can I be a presence of peace and love where there is such hatred and evil pride when I can barely even speak a word?

The Truman Show

2008-08-15T20:13:00.001-07:00

Being at home, I've had a little time to brainlessly flip the tv remote looking for something somewhat stimulating to watch. I happened to run across The Truman Show! The Truman Show has always been one of my favorite films and it has been so for many reasons, one of which i did not realize until today.

On the outside, it appears that Truman has the perfect life. He should have no worries: a beautiful wife, a decent job, a car and a house in a flawless, safe community. However, it so happens that Truman is stuck in one gigantic CLOSET. Though his life seems perfect, in reality, it is all a big act. Truman has been told who to love, how to think, and what to fear, yet he does not honestly love his wife, he cannot pursue his own dreams, and he has been kept from doing anything about it from irrational fears that others have forced upon his life.

In the same way, gay people live under a lot of rules that others have set up for them. They are expected to marry someone they don't love and to ignore their sexuality for fear of damaging the status quo, and they are trapped in this way of life because of the religious and social fears that are thrust upon them.

In the movie, Truman has a hunch that there is life outside of the artificial world in which he lives, and he does not stop until he finds it. The power of true love compels him to leave everyone he knows and everything that is secure to face his fears and go into a strange, new world.

I won't go through all of the parallels, I'm sure you all can find them on your own, but I was really inspired by this movie today. A perfect life is nothing compared to a life that is free and authentic! May we all find that door that opens up our true, authentic selves!

What to do?!?!

2008-08-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

Within one year from now I will be (hopefully) out of school and making a huge career move. I have been at home with my family this week, and have come under pressure to find my way back close to home when I go to a full-time ministry job.

However, I have no desire to work in this area (the deep south). There's no way I can find a church that is supportive and it would be no fun to go "covert" in this area--there's just no scene at all and no gay-friendly organizations. The only reason I would ever want to work here is to become that support and role model that is missing for people in this area. But.. am I ready for that? I have not fully realized who I am myself, how can I help other people come through it?

So how horrible is it to stay far away from family? I love my family, I just don't want to live where they live. What happens when they eventually get sick? Am I going to be the jerk sibling that is no help and is never around?

I'm also getting a little concerned about how I'm going to handle the decision of wether I should "don't ask, don't tell" or to seek a welcoming and affirming church when looking for a job. It comes down to a very practical matter which I wish wasn't an issue: student loans...

I would love to take a very well-paying job for a few years to pay off loans and save a little. Then, I can do what I want to! However, there aren't many W&A churches, particularly in my denomination, that have big budgets or big membership rosters. Those things are absolutely not important to me.. I just want to be "stable" before I launch into any sort of activism. So, it's looking more and more like I'm just going to have to fly under the radar for a few years when I go into full-time ministry.

Ugh... Is there any other way? Maybe I should be just a social worker or a school teacher or something!

Coming out #1

2008-08-12T12:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here's the recap. If you don't want to read the whole big honkin' thing, the short story is: I told her, we're still friends. :-)

---

Coming home requires quite a long drive, so I had lots of time to get extremely anxious and nervous about what I would say yo my friend. I pretty much decided I would get it over with as soon as possible so I wouldn't have to stress for the rest of the evening. So I knock on the door, and she greets me in this really insane way that is very typical of most of our interactions. After all of that, I go in and sit down, and she has her purse on and is super hungry and ready to go eat. So, we had to go immediately and I wasn't going to be able to tell her just yet.

So, as we were driving to the restaurant, there were so many strange comments like "Wow it feels to weird to see you in person" (it has been a few months since we've seen each other) or even "yeah, what's up with your hair? It looks kind of GAY!"(LOL!) or "GAAAH, why are you walking so fast?!" (I was nervous as hell), etc. Anyway, it felt like she knew something weird was up and I was having a hard time just playing it cool.

Anyway, so we sit down at the restaurant (where the service was exceptionally crappy) and I decide I'll wait til we get dessert and then I'd tell her. (I didn't want to ruin the meal, so I figured eating something comfortable like key lime pie would be a good thing to do during the coming out moment!) Well, in a nearly empty restaurant, they sit a bunch of people right beside us! It sucked big time, I knew this wouldn't work, and I was getting very frustrated.

So, we leave the restaurant without even getting dessert. As soon as we get in the car she starts with these sort of probing questions that she has been asking lately. I took a deep breath and said, "Go ahead, hit me. I'm ready." So, the very first question was "so if you don't talk to ME about your sexual feelings, then who DO you talk to them about?" She asks this because I typically refuse to talk about anything to do with dating or crushes I have had, etc. I knew this kind of question would come up. So, I tell her that I'm about to tell her something that will answer many of her questions all at once, and it's something that is confidential and very personal and I will need her support in this, etc.

So, I'm navigating rush-hour traffic, and I drop the bomb. Obviously, this was a big deal so I was rather nervous and shaky and she was like "Are you sure you should be driving now?" LOL (Probably not but I continued.) I issued a few more details why I was coming out and briefly outlined by journey. We became silent for a while.

Then, she kind of broke down and threw a screaming, cussing fit. I was like, "Are you ok?" and she goes "Yes, I am SOOO FUCKING PEACHY RIGHT NOW!" (HA! I couldn't help but laugh at her choice of words.) She continued, "I know this is supposed to be about you right now, but my life SUCKS" and basically said that she was hoping that I would eventually come around to falling in love with her and that we would get married and live happily ever after, etc. I knew she has felt this way before, but I had no idea that she was not over it. I was like, "Oh, shit. I was afraid this would happen!" So we kind of mourn together for a bit, and I even suggest that I go with her to see her therapist--almost like couples counseling but not at all! LOL (I ended up leaving before her appointment, however.)

So after she had a good cry and my nerves kind of calmed down, things starting to become alright and somewhat normal again. We went to see a movie to kind of take our mind off the pain for a few moments.

When we got back to her place, she decided that she can now comfortably get my opinion on wether or not her swim suit shows too much cleavage, which was a bit awkward, but at least she is getting used to the real me. :-) Then, she suggested that we sleep together in her bed isntead of me using the air mattress or couch! I was like, "um, no" and she's like "what's the big deal??" That was pretty insane, anyway, I told her I was not quite ready for that so I demanded the couch. lol So that was my very strange evening.

So this whole revelation about me was a total suprise to her. I am very glad I choose to tell her now and not years later when she was still seriously wanting to marry me. I am also grateful that I have a friend like that, who can know such an intimate detail of my life and support me. She's not totally cool with the idea of me dating or having gay relationships, but that is based on loose Biblical interpretations, and I think once she has some time to think it over, and after I share a few resources with her, she will come around on that.

Anyway, I feel very relieved that someone from my "real world" knows. It's not that everything is perfect now--there will still be awkward moments between me and her, and I still have no idea what my next step it. But, *someone* knows and I don't have to keep any new experiences or questions I have to myself.

This is a long post, and a very scatterbrained account. If you made it this far, thanks for reading and, as always, I love to hear the experiences of others.

Peace!

Tomorrow... !

2008-08-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow (Monday) I am going to come out to someone from my "real life." It's my good friend from back home who happens to be a girl--who I have written about in past postings.

I have been planning to do this for a while, but, in the past couple of weeks, I have debated whether or not it was really the right time. Well, tonight, in our phone conversation, while we were talking about whether or not her swim suit showed too much cleavage, she tells me that I'm her "non-gay, gay friend" meaning, she's comfortable with me, which she thought was so strange because I'm "not gay."

Well, tomorrow she will be able to take out the "non" part of how she describes me, and I believe this is indeed the perfect time because she already has me pegged. I no longer have to worry about uprooting any unspoken desires she might have that we should be together. She already has the appropriate take on our relationship, so I might as well finally be honest to her.

So, here... we... go...

I'm stuck

2008-08-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

I just had this crazy thought.

I am 25 years old. Many of my straight friends have been married five years or so by now. Many others my age have done the dating and relationship thing for perhaps ten years. By repressing my sexuality, have I missed out on something? I know for certain that I am indeed immature and inexperienced when it comes to dating, but do I need to make up for lost time?

I have completed a hell of a lot of education and have had meaningful wok and ministry in my short time as an adult. But, since I've ignored such a huge part of my life for so long, I feel like I need to make up for lost time.

Now here is the crazy thought... Is it ever a good idea for a person to jump in head first into a new thing and experience ALL of it to the fullest? This thing is gay sexuality. Why NOT go through a season of unreserved, full force experiencing and discovering. Is this the kind of thing I would really regret?

I have gotten myself to a point where I am extremely dissatisfied with life. I was happy with things for a long time because there were certain areas of life I never thought about. Now, I've "pulled the plug" and there seems to be no turning back.

I am so ready to live fully and authentically and sometimes it seems the best option would be to shirk all responsibility and "live it up." Perhaps I am impatient. Or, maybe it's just that I have no idea what my next step should be.

However, it is getting very difficult to balance the split life that I have. I feel like I'm being mediocre and getting behind in work and study. Most of my time is spent wallowing in shallow thought and coming up with something to waste time so I can avoid doing anything truly productive.

I don't know what to do. I can't be who I really am and now it has gotten very difficult to be the person I pretend to be.

I guess everyone has to be blue now and then

2008-07-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

I hate it when I have time to think.

Seriously.. I am usually always extremely motivated and energetic and I never have a lack of self-esteem. I feel like I'm here to save the world and I'm invincible!

Then the dust settles... I come upon those rare times when I'm no longer urgently needed, when there is no one left to lead, when there are no more favors I can do for friends. Then I feel silly for believing that I have it all and that I can do everything by myself.

I'm at an "in between" spot at the moment. I've come out of a busy summer and am going into a busy fall. But, there's not so much to do now. I am overwhelmed with what is to come and I have no energy to even think about it. The one thing I long for--a desire that comes only in these in-between moments--is someone whom I can love deeply and freely who will love me back.

These times come at other junctures besides in between seasons. For instance, after a great performance in which I am involved, or an exciting program is executed perfectly--whatever it is, it happens, and then I go home and realize no one really knows what those experiences mean to me. There is no one with whom I can share the sheer joy of creating and leading. Any good that I can do is sort of trapped in a moment in time and all I can do is come home and hope that it had meaning in someone else's life.

I want share in the joy of what makes someone else get up in the morning. I someone with whom I can unpack my true motives and concerns. I want someone with whom I can sit with in silence and simply be.

I have given all I can and I need some time for my soul to be filled once again.

I may be able to give a shot at repairing some of the problems of the world, but I can't fix myself.

Planning my first real coming out...

2008-07-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

My best friend that is a girl has lately been very intent on knowing more about me. We've known each other for many years, but she feels as if the relationship has been one-sided and she doesn't know who I really am. Of course, this involves many questions about many things which include dating, crushes, etc., and the questions are getting more and more probing. I tend to change the subject or insist that it is not something I want to talk about over the phone. Though I never give say anything obvious about being gay, I'm sure the ambiguity of many of my answers has caused her to wonder.

So, I told her that I will be more comfortable answering her questions and talking about my own life when I see her in person. She is in another state, many miles away, and I only see her a few times each year. However, next week, I will go on vacation and make my way through her part of the world.

I've pretty much decided that she will be the first person in my "real world" to whom I will "come out" and I'm pretty sure, unless someone or something convinces me otherwise, that it will happen next week when I see her.

This is huge for me, because it will be the first time that someone who knows other people I know will know that I am gay. She also knows my parents, which is the most nerve-racking part. Who will she tell? Will she be able to keep it a secret? Will she go ballistic and call my parents?

I feel like I can trust her and that with her knowing, she can better support what I'm going through the way I have supported her through many issues in her own life. I'm just a little concerned that she could absolutely refuse to accept it and end our friendship or talk to others about me.

If anyone has any advice on how to make this coming out thing work, I would be very grateful. I would also love to hear your thoughts as to wether or not you think this is a good idea or if it's too risky.

Gays and the females they associate with

2008-07-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

Something that seems pretty universal among gay men is a close friendship with one or more girls--a "fag hag" if you will (though I don't think I care for that term). We all have that special girl with whom we form a deep bond, and that person is often the first person to whom we official reveal our sexuality to.

Well, I also have a "BFF" that is a girl. We've known each other for around 8 years, and even though we are now geographically far apart, we still keep in touch. She is the one I have always felt most comfortable around, and I am that same person for her. We're both quirky and adventurous, and I am grateful that I have had someone that understands me so well... all except for one thing....

For some reason, she recently decides that our past conversations have been too often about her own problems, and she is prying to get to know me better, which means asking lots of really serious, probing questions. Of course, the issue of romance comes up...

The strange thing is that, even though I've NEVER felt a romantic vibe between me and her, even though we are very close, she reveals that in the last couple of weeks she had a crush on me. I think she has gotten over that (I may not have given her the most sensitive of responses). But there is one question she keeps asking and I keep refusing to answer. She says that I know all about every crush she has ever had, but she doesn't know anything about my crushes. She wants to know which of her friends (female) I have had crushes on. She also keeps wondering why I never talk to her about "the girls I meet." I always have smart-ass responses, but she keeps prying, and I just might think it's time to tell her why I haven't been talking to her all that much about girls.

BUT... here is the problem. Though she seems to usually have an open mind, she is a member of this this super conservative church, and since going there, she has become very reluctant to question what they teach. I'm pretty sure her opinion of homosexuality is that it's sinful, God wants to fix it, and until it is fixed, one should pray harder, read the Bible more, and not pursue any gay relationships.

BUT... she has never had any close friends come out, especially anyone as close as I am. And, she is a very smart person. She would listen to everything I have to say. She might even be accepting. BUT, then again she might not be so accepting. What if this pushes her away? What if she insists that I seek some kind of quasi-spiritual brainwashing (i.e., ex-gay ministry) or decides she wants to pray that I would be "healed" of this. What if this becomes the only thing our relationship revolves around? What if... the worst thing of all... she, in an effort to move the process along, lets my parents know.

I have come a long way in the past few, short month in dealing with my sexuality, and I want more than anything to come out to a friend. She would be the perfect one to come out to first. She has opened up a conversation that would be the perfect opportunity to discuss this. And, I might see her within the next month in person, which would be the perfect time.

Should I do it? Is it too risky? If not her, then WHO? I feel so strongly that she is the right one to tell, but there is so much that could go terribly wrong!

Just me venting a bit...

2008-07-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of:

1) suggestions that my life would instantly be better and less stressful if I went out and "found me a girl"

2) everyone assuming that the only reason I'm single is that I "haven't found the right one yet" and to "just wait..she will come along"

3) questions like "was she hot?" or "did you see her? why don't you go talk to her?"

4) being set up

5) being told that I'm being prayed for that I will be matched up soon.

What if those who pray such things had their prayer answered and it looked much different than they had imagined? Would they still consider that an answer to prayer? What if I say this is who I am, who God created me to be, and I have been led to accept this--would they deny my own spiritual conscience and assert that they somehow know the ways of God better than I do?

What if those who truly care that wish for me to be happy knew who I really was. Would they wish the same things for me?

I wish I did not have this issue looming over me. It was much easier when I suppressed and ignored it. I have some many other things on my mind and this seems to bully around all of the other urgent things that I need to get done. Sometimes I wonder what more I could accomplish if I were a "normal" man who happened to be straight.

So, speaking of meeting new people...

2008-06-30T21:36:00.001-07:00

I really wish someone would write "Meeting, Talking to, Texting, Calling, Myspacing and Emailing Other Gay Men, While in the Closet, with the Possibility of Hanging Out Again or Even Maybe Dating, FOR DUMMIES" or something.

So, continuing my experience in the previous post, I met this guy. He asked for my phone number, and I got his as well. On the way home, I send a quick text basically saying "nice to meet you." I get a text from him in the morning that asks if I made it home alright, etc. I honestly didn't expect to ever hear from him again and we ended up sending several random messages throughout the day and finding each other on myspace. Then, I had to leave the country.

On returning, I send another message, he sends another one back, then not much else happened. All of the messages have been light and slightly humorous. In the course of the previous messages, we casually stated that we should hang out again sometime.

It's getting late, and I haven't really done a good job of describing what happened in a linear manner, but here are my questions:

How much is too much texting? I don't want to be the weirdo stalker who won't leave the other person alone. I'm not anywhere close to being that person right now, but I'm itching to keep communicating. But then I get freaked out about communicating too much and I wonder if I'm giving off the perception that I'm not interested at all... AAAAH, it's madness! Was he saying "yeah, we'll hang out sometime" in the way that really means "ok, I'm going to ignore you now forever" or did he really mean it? Do I need to instigate or does he?

I have SO little experience in straight dating, much less gay dating. I resonate with many other bloggers who I have read who described themselves as pre-teens when it comes to their dating maturity. We just don't get a chance to work those questions out until later in life when we then have to stress out about it like adults!

The inexperience is another thing. I don't want to "use" the right person who comes around and looks interesting to be my guinea pig. But then again, one has to start somewhere.

I'm pretty sure that the person in question is not disgusted by me. He did say complimentary things the night of the first encounter--but then again, everyone had been drinking.

Hell, I don't know. This post is so scatterbrained. Does anyone have a clue?

A derailed train of thought

2008-06-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

So, I started this blog and it appears that I immediately gave up. Actually, I've been out of the country for a bit, but I am back into civilization and have resumed regular internet access.

I don't have much of a point to make, just a few rambling recap of an encounter I had a couple of weeks ago.

So a few days before I left for the trip out of the country, I drove to a nearby big city to hit up the clubs. I go basically go to clubs to just sort of watch and observe--to see what real live gay people look like! LOL The only reason I do this particularly in bars is because I don't really know of anywhere else to do such a thing. It's not that I'm all that interested in bars--I don't even go to straight ones. It's just all I can come up with. Anyway, this is a new thing for me, with this being only my third attempt in the third city. And, it so turns out that this would be the second time that I actually ended up talking to a real person in a gay bar.

I was almost ready to call it a night. I only had a couple of drinks, but the scene seemed to be pretty dead--it wasn't a weekend night or anything, so I didn't expect much. I just basically wanted to scope out the scene in that particular city. I happened to be in close proximity to a group of guys who were very drunk and seemed to be having a good time. They were of various shapes, ages, and colors and there was only one dude who looked particularly interesting/"my type" (around my age, clean cut, classy, not dressed flamingly). I was just sitting there slowly sipping on my beer (perhaps looking pathetic?) when out of the blue Mr. Particularly Interesting comes up to me and introduces himself! Holy shit! This was the first time someone other than a bar tender has initiated a conversation with me--and it was actually someone I would want to be chatting with! After we exchanged pleasantries he then introduced me to his mob of friends, which was extremely uncomfortable experience being the center of attention in a gay bar...

Well, after all of that was over with, in my head I'm thinking "Shit! What am I supposed to do now? Go back to my seat and be a loner again? Stay here in the group and act like I'm having fun? Aaaaaaaahhh! Awkward!" That's when the bomb dropped, or the shit hit the fan, or the dove from heaven came down--hell, I don't know how to describe what it was, but it happened:

Mr. PI: "Are you a Christian?"

Me: Mind races, heart sinks... "Wow, is it SO obvious? Am I *that* tense? Laughing nervously

Then, his response, which I unfortunately don't remember exactly, but was something like:

"It's your spirit! I see the light of Jesus shining in you. It's not often I meet other Christians in places like this."

OMG. Here I am in a gay bar having a spiritual experience like I rarely if ever have in the "real" world. Here I am in a gay bar experience fellowship with another believer!

I was totally floored. I've never had anyone say anything like that to me in the "real" world, and here I am in a place trying to make sure no one in the room knows me and someone comes along and instantly recognizes me as their spiritual brother. We talked for a little while longer and found out we had a good bit in common. I mingled with his group a little more. We all had more to drink... and most of them had a bit too much. Finally, we all went our separate ways (since it was a work night, after all) but I got a name, a new friend, and a cell phone number out of the experience. But, there's one more thing I got from this experience...

For a while I've been dealing with the question of, If I'm supposed to deny myself to follow Jesus, does that mean denying my sexuality as well and living as celibate or straight acting or... anything but gay? Through this bar incident, I have found resolve to this question. YES, I should totally deny my whole self to follow Christ... AND I should NOT offer a self to Christ that is a lie and a fraud. Jesus wants us to offer all of our being for radical discipleship. To offer excuses or disclaimers, or to hold certain things (like our sexuality) back is not to deny one's self, but to squander a part of us that is made by a God who creates in God's own image and who declares creation "good."

Who woulda thunk I would find Jesus right there in a gay bar?

A theory (gays who marry straight)

2008-06-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

There are insurmountable obstacles that many GLBT persons face in choosing whether or not to come out: family resistance, religious intolerance, career security, etc. However, I think the strongest force in keeping the doors shut on many closets is the large number of gays who have chosen to marry someone of the opposite gender, have children, and live a "straight" life for many years.

When I think of several acquaintances, whom I highly suspect are gay, that marry women, I feel very sorry for them. My own trappings seem horrible, but it is certainly nothing like admitting such a deep lie to a spouse and potentially breaking up the very family you helped to create!

And that is why I think most religious leaders are hesitant to affirm homosexuals. If they personally accept homosexuality for others it forces them to deal with their own lies. Once they come to a place of acceptance for others, it is certainly much more difficult to keep up their own theatrics of straight life.

I would never minimize the difficulties of leaders in civil rights and women's liberation, however, in those struggles, at least we knew who was what. Homosexuals often experience silent, invisible injustice, and I predict this will be a struggle that will not quickly come to an end.

I hurt for these people and I and thankful that something kept me from going down the same path, for I could have just as easily made the same decisions. In a way, I don't even want to think of advocating for gay rights because of the intense hurt that it will inflict on so many. However, the hurt will only be prolonged if we don't confront this now. In the words of M. L. King, J.r, "The time is always right to do what is right."

Have mercy on us.

My coming out (well, sort of...)

2008-06-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

This is not a true coming out--it is done under complete anonymity--but it is me adding my voice to the many others out there on the blogosphere who use their blogs to share stories, seek help, offer encouragement, and to express thoughts that can't be expressed out in their "real world."

Who am I? A few of the things that identify me are: student (in a seminary), minister (in the Bible belt), and progressive evangelical (in a not-so-progressive church). I am also gay, which makes every other facet of my life considerably difficult.

I have resisted the acknowledgement of this part of my life for a long time--initially rejecting it and then accepting it but ignoring it, hoping it will not ever be an issue. But, as I read, experience, and think, I am having to acknowledge that I am called to help others in this situation. I've never cared for the term "calling" but this I feel more strongly than perhaps any other calling on my life.

So, here I am. I am desperate to hear from others in similar situations, or even those in very different situations who care or even those dissent with my positions. I will be sharing more thoughts from time to time, and I look forward to hearing your stories as well.

Blessings to you!